Twitter #12 - Tijdelijk TT-loos

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Hello again, dears. So many people have come up to me in the street recently, asking, Edna, what is this Twitter malarkey that you're queen of ? So, in order to answer them and any newcomers to the Wonderful World of Twitter, I've written a brief but indispensable guide. If you also know someone in need of my very own particular brand of wisdom, send them along. There's plenty of tea for everyone. x

1 What Is Twitter?

Twitter is a social networking or mini-blogging site. It is named after the great novelist T.W.Itter (not be mistaken for T.W.Athead or T.Winnedwiththegermantownofdusseldorf), author of the classic whodunnit 'The Vicar Crack'd', in which the murder is committed by all 140 characters.

2 OK. I'm on Twitter. What now? I feel a bit overwhelmed by the enormity of it all.

Don't worry. When you first join, Twitterworld can seem a very daunting place, a bit like that forest in the Wizard of Oz or a Take That concert. In fact Twitter is a veritable Narnia filled with a cornucopia of fascinating and unlikely mythical characters such as Horny Kitty, Barack Obama and Lily Allen.

3 Who are these followers? Why don't I have many?

Don't panic. The number of followers, or stalkers as I prefer to call them, you have is only an indication of your popularity. For example, Britney Spears has over two million whereas Josef Fritzl not so many. If you have very few followers the chances are that it's only because you're a bit dull.

4 What do these strange words mean? ROFLMAO and LOL?

Twitter has its own special language. To translate it you can either seek out an ancient artefact known as the Rosetta email, or simply read on . . .

LOL - an acronym standing for Leaning On Lamp-post, meaning the writer is either George Formby or Marlene Dietrich. Probably best to find out which before engaging them in a conversation about ukeleles.

OMG - Ogling Mike Gatting, meaning the writer is either a cricket fan or gets turned on by plump, bearded men in woollen jumpers.

PMSL - Pleasuring My Self Lightly, meaning the writer finds your message particularly interesting.

LMAO - Let My Auntie Out - a very specific, urgent message.

ROFLMAO - Room's On Fire. Let My Auntie Out - an even more specific and urgent message.

5 How Do I Know Who is Real and Who is Fake?

That's easy. In actual fact, there are only five real people on Twitter. These are me, of course, my lazy good-for-nothing husband (although very little of what he writes is real), Ashton Kutcher, Horny Kitty and someone else who writes all the other tweets, believed to be broadcaster and naturalist David Attenborough. If you're still unsure, you can also look for the 'Verified Account' sign on people's profiles, although the 'o' may be missing from Mr Kutcher's.

6 What Are Twitpics?

Twitpics are the electronic equivalent of a long Sunday afternoon with your grandmother, being forced to look through voluminous, dusty photograph albums at pictures of people you've never met or have the slightest interest in, and feeling obliged to make positive comments about young faces only social services could love while slowly chewing your way through an enormous portion of long out of date ginger cake.

7 So What Are Retweets?

Retweets are a little like Columbo. Entertaining and amusing at first, but very quickly becoming irritating as you realise it's just the same thing over and over again.

8 Why Has a Huge Whale Appeared on My Screen?

This is the special Twitter warning screen. It's shown exclusively to users who have exceeded their monthly time limit on Twitter and as a result of such inactivity are in imminent danger of becoming morbidly obese.

9 So What Should I Do Now?

Run. Run away. While you still can. It's too late for me. Save yourself! Go!

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Op woensdag 4 augustus 2010 15:05 schreef JJH het volgende:
Nog van harte!

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Op woensdag 4 augustus 2010 16:00 schreef Haaibaaike het volgende:
maar in hun mentions/replies-lijst dat was jou link.. ik zag daar veel zelfde berichten van mensen die naar mij stuurde.

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Op woensdag 4 augustus 2010 16:10 schreef Haaibaaike het volgende:
ik heb mijn profiel ook niet op slot.

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Op dinsdag 10 augustus 2010 11:53 schreef Zwansen het volgende:

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Wat hebben ze precies gedaan? Kan het niet zo snel vinden/

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Op dinsdag 10 augustus 2010 13:18 schreef Zwansen het volgende:


En toch denk ik dat het alsnog goede reclame is. Wie denkt er nu nog aan Autotaalglas als zn ruit stuk is?

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Op dinsdag 10 augustus 2010 15:17 schreef scarefreak het volgende:
*kuch* hoax http://www.blog-magazine.nl/?p=737

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Op dinsdag 10 augustus 2010 13:25 schreef qu63 het volgende:

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Nope, geen reclame:
[ afbeelding ]

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Op dinsdag 10 augustus 2010 15:48 schreef Haaibaaike het volgende:
Ik twitter soms via htc mobieltje..ik zie bij andere twitters een telefoontje icon..Hoe kan ik dat het beste doen dat je bij mij ook ziet?

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Op dinsdag 10 augustus 2010 16:24 schreef Haaibaaike het volgende:
Naast following staat dat telefoontje icoon.

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Op dinsdag 10 augustus 2010 17:28 schreef Haaibaaike het volgende:

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Bij mensen die ik volgt ja daar staat het.

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Op dinsdag 10 augustus 2010 17:48 schreef Haaibaaike het volgende:
Op twitter.com?

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Op dinsdag 10 augustus 2010 20:35 schreef Haaibaaike het volgende:
Bedankt voor je hulp..alleen ik snap er niets van..Dus als ik begrijp moet ik smsen via mobieltje met twitters!

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Op donderdag 12 augustus 2010 18:51 schreef Razor21 het volgende:
Heb meer volgers nodig : snipes2kill is mijn naam
(deze naam gebruik ik altijd in MW2)

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The internet is not a numbers game. It's about dialog, persuasion, and influence.

You don't want a million people reading your HTML5 blog. You want members of the HTML5 working groups and key influencers from Google, Apple, and Microsoft reading your HTML5 blog. Likewise, it's better to have twenty meaningful comments than a thousand +1s.

Ditto with Twitter follower counts. What it would gain you to acquire all the followers in the world? Bragging rights? Mysterious leverage? The ability to convince a not-very-bright business person that what you have to say matters, because n millions follow you?

Following doesn't mean paying attention. You don't want numbers on Twitter, not really. What you want is to follow and be followed by human beings who care about issues you care about.

This thing we make together. This thing is about hearts and minds, not eyeballs. Especially not eyeballs that aren't even watching. Eyeballs is so 90s. And it was never the right metric.

This thing. If numbers are your strategy to win at this thing, you've already lost. This thing is not a game. There is no winning. There is only mattering. If you don't understand that, you aren't making a difference.

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Op vrijdag 13 augustus 2010 19:26 schreef Razor21 het volgende:

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OK lol misschien kunnen we hier iets afspreken op Fok

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Op maandag 16 augustus 2010 00:06 schreef Haaibaaike het volgende:

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Hoe kom je daarbij.En graag je posting verwijderen qu63..En jij hebt 603 mensen .

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Op maandag 16 augustus 2010 14:00 schreef Haaibaaike het volgende:
En jij gaat naar 1 miljoen toe..met je 601 followers

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Op maandag 16 augustus 2010 13:58 schreef Haaibaaike het volgende:

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Kijk bij jouw twitter.. Volg jij niemand. Ik heb maar 21 volgers hoor jij 603 ..Wie is zielig jij hé En jij bepaalt niks over mijn twitter.