F*** My Life

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Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML

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Op vrijdag 17 april 2009 23:22 schreef Philip10 het volgende:
Misschien ken je het wel.

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Today, I had to re-take an hour long MRI scan because I got an erection midway through. FML

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Today, I stumbled upon my boyfriend's Facebook. His second Facebook. On which I also stumbled upon his second girlfriend. FML

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Today, I was driving home from school, when I saw this girl I like walking home. Trying to be polite, I pulled over and asked if she wanted a ride. After my offer, I was rejected as she said "No, I'm actually already home," and proceeded to walk up the nearest driveway... MY driveway. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:32 schreef zhe-devilll het volgende:
Ik hou daar niet van lachen om de ellende van anderen!!!!!!!

...normen en waarden kinderen denk erom!

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:33 schreef raaavi het volgende:

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heb je wel mooi een tvp in een topic waar je extreem tegen bent

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Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:32 schreef zhe-devilll het volgende:
Ik hou daar niet van lachen om de ellende van anderen!!!!!!!

...normen en waarden kinderen denk erom!

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Today, I was working as a swim instructor for kids. Teaching them not to be afraid of the water, I put my face in the water and blew bubbles. I asked them to try it. All of them did, except for one. I went right to him and blew bubbles again. He then said to me, "but I just peed in that water." FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:37 schreef RoW_0 het volgende:

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HAHAHAHAAHA

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:37 schreef Quir het volgende:

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Dat zit er gewoon ingebakken, zhe.

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:39 schreef zhe-devilll het volgende:

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hou-hart-vast- al die sleutelkids...zucht

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Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery which I may not survive, she decided getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:39 schreef zhe-devilll het volgende:

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hou-hart-vast- al die sleutelkids...zucht

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:40 schreef raaavi het volgende:

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Oja, jij was die user met die smerige FoBo.

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:43 schreef Quir het volgende:

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Sleutelkids? Verklaar u nader.

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Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:45 schreef zhe-devilll het volgende:

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kids zonder emoticons! Je weetz wel tog?

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:46 schreef Quir het volgende:

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Emoticons hebben we genoeg hier. In overvloed, zelfs.
Hoe kom je trouwens bij dat woord?

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:47 schreef zhe-devilll het volgende:

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Je moet niet zulke moeilijke vragen stellen als het nacht is enzo,..hoor

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:50 schreef Quir het volgende:

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De nacht is nog jong.

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Today, I got my long hair cut in a short pixie cut. When my five year old daughter saw me she laughed and proclaimed 'You look just like a man!'. That afternoon I got a concerned call from the school. My daughter has told everyone 'mummy has gone away, I now have two daddies!' FML

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Today, I was woken up to my mom playing the piano awfully. I screamed down the stairs "you suck, stop playing!" Turns out it was my 5 year old cousin playing a recital. For my entire family. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:50 schreef zhe-devilll het volgende:

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Neuken??????

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 01:10 schreef AngryNerd het volgende:
Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to "surprise mom later". Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 01:11 schreef raaavi het volgende:

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hmm.... nadere uitleg het is al laat.

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 01:11 schreef AngryNerd het volgende:
Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 01:11 schreef AngryNerd het volgende:
Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

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Today, I came home from work to find that my neighbor's trash bins are still on the curb. While returning the bins to her backyard, her kid runs out and shoots me with a paintball gun. Multiple times. He thought I was a burglar and he ruined my new suit.

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 01:11 schreef AngryNerd het volgende:
Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

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Today, I was masturbating to a video a friend sent me. The girls were hot, walking out on a stage doing all sorts of sexy manuevers. The video was close to ending and the announcer in the video announced the winner. His name was Dan. It was a drag competition. My friend knew I'd whack off to it. FML

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Today, I came home to find my mum on the phone to the doctor. When she hung up I asked what had happened. She said they found a sexually transmitted disease in my bloodtest, and then she began to call me a slut. I'm 14, and am still a virgin. After 5 mins of crying, she tells me she was joking. FML

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Today, I turned 18. Nothing was said at breakfast, but I figured they'd remember and we'd have cake at night. I came home and there was cake, but not for me. My sister got her period for the first time during the day and they were celebrating. Apparently, a vaginal discharge was more important. FML

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Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 02:17 schreef xericax het volgende:
Today, we had some family over. A nasty need to wank seized me when I saw her : my 17 year old cousin. I went to my unoccupied parents’ bedroom. My sister's baby walkie talkie was on and the whole family heard me. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 02:17 schreef xericax het volgende:
Today, we had some family over. A nasty need to wank seized me when I saw her : my 17 year old cousin. I went to my unoccupied parents’ bedroom. My sister's baby walkie talkie was on and the whole family heard me. FML

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Op zondag 19 april 2009 12:29 schreef Mikkie het volgende:
Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out. With a man. FML

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Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

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Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML

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Today, my wife went to the hospital because she had been gaining weight recently and had missed her period the last three months. We thought it was menopause. Turns out she's pregnant. I've been sterile since the day I was born. FML

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Today, my mom had a baby shower. When it was over I walked around cleaning up the trash, when I saw a card sitting on the table with a note to my mom saying "better luck with this one." At the moment I am an only child, and the card was signed from my grandmother. FML

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Today, I was eating nacho chips with my nieces when I started to feel that some were wet. I look at my niece and notice she was sucking on the chips, and putting them back in the bag. FML

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Op zondag 19 april 2009 15:10 schreef powerlite het volgende:
fucking briljant! TVP

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Op zondag 19 april 2009 14:37 schreef waht het volgende:

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edit:
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Op donderdag 23 april 2009 07:26 schreef theKiD het volgende:
Ff een tvp..

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Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML

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Today, as soon as I got home, my girlfriend was waiting for me at the door. She told me she was breaking up with me, the reason? She found a girl's shirt in my closet and that she didn't need a cheating boyfriend. That shirt was mine. FML

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Today, I texted the hottest girl in the school saying, "I really like you, we should date". She responded with a text saying, "Sorry, I'm not into you." I then got a text saying, "Sorry, my brother stole my phone, and answered, but still it's no". I got rejected twice. Once by a man. FML

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Today, I was talking to my hot neighbor. We were in the driveway of her house, and I looked at her car and noticed a hideous dummy. It was fat and just ugly, but I didn't think much of it. I tried to make a joke and asked, "Where did you get that awful thing?" She said, "That's my daughter". FML

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Today, I had an appraisal meeting with the Boss. She raved and gushed and told me what a great job I was doing. Then she said "Well done, Eric". Eric is not my name. She froze, opened a new file and told me my actual appraisal, which was the complete opposite of everything she had just said. FML

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Today I pulled over to help a girl with her car. I thought my limited mechanic skills would help look like a hero. She only needed her coolant cap unscrewed. With top down, shirt off, I was confident as I got out of my car. 10 minutes later I left because I couldn't unscrew the fucking thing. FML

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Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

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Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML

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Op donderdag 23 april 2009 20:04 schreef JanusAnus het volgende:

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Kankergeniaal

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Op donderdag 23 april 2009 20:06 schreef JanusAnus het volgende:

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Op donderdag 23 april 2009 20:06 schreef JanusAnus het volgende:

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Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML

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Op donderdag 23 april 2009 20:26 schreef IkkuhNL2 het volgende:
Today, I bought a $1.09 burrito from taco bell with my debit card, unfortunately my overdraft fee was $25. I spent $26.01 on a burrito. FML

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Today, I was eating lunch naked at my home watching porn on the big screen. I heard the garage door opening meaning my roommate was coming home. In my haste to get dressed, I fell back in the barstool I was sitting in and knocked myself out. I woke up still naked and with lettuce all over me. FML

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Today, after a late night at the bars, I stepped into my building's elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Without thinking I said, "Oooh, are you still delivering?" His response, "I live here." FML

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Today, my fiance told me that he no longer loves me, that he still has feelings for an ex. The wedding is off and he needs the ring back to give to the right woman. FML

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Today, my friend and I wanted to get some alcohol (we're under 21). We went to a liquor store and asked a random guy to go in and buy us some vodka. After giving him $20, he said he had to go turn off his car, then he'd get us the drinks. He got in his car and drove off, with my $20. FML

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Op donderdag 23 april 2009 20:06 schreef JanusAnus het volgende:

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Op donderdag 23 april 2009 17:52 schreef powerlite het volgende:
Today, I got a spray tan for the first time. Naked, I climbed into the booth. When the machine started I became frightened by the loud roar of the spray and couldn't breathe. I proceeded to pee on myself out of fear. I now have river-like streaks down both legs where the pee washed my tan away. FML

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Today, I got dressed in what I thought was a really adorable outfit. I had a cute pink skirt on, a white tank top and silver strappy sandal heels. On my way to the mall a car pulls over and this guy asks me how much for three hours. FML

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Today, me and my bootie-call were doing the dirty on the lower bunk bed while his roommate was passed out drunk on top. Right when we were about to finish, I said "this is so bad, we're probably going to wake up your roommate." From the top bunk we heard..."yup." FML

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Today, I got pulled over while dancing to crazy techno beats in the car. The officer RAN out of his car and up to mine and pounded on my window. He thought I was having a seizure. FML

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Today, as I was washing the dishes, I felt what I thought was a mosquito on my leg. I kicked at it with my foot only to realize that I had just kicked my adopted puppy in the face. Now, whenever I come into a room, he runs to the corner and pees. FML

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Op zaterdag 25 april 2009 07:26 schreef theKiD het volgende:

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Op zaterdag 25 april 2009 07:47 schreef delano.888 het volgende:

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Today, at my grandmothers funeral I tired my hardest not to cry, only allowing tears to fall and not making any noise, to be respectful at her funeral. The next day my mother tells my father that I didn't cry, which obviously meant that I didn't love my grandmother and had no soul. FML

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Op donderdag 23 april 2009 23:10 schreef Caspian het volgende:
Er zitten ook een heleboel mietjes tussen.

"Boehoe, mijn grootmoeder zei dat een sporter een 'nice package' had. M'n grootmoeder praatte over sex tegen mij. Fuck my life!"

(Ik kon de exacte quote niet terugvinden, maar er staan er meer van dat soort mietjes tussen.)

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Today, I came home from a two-week overseas business trip. My wife was at work, but she came home for lunch. When she came in, she brushed right past me to hug and talk to her dog. When I mentioned it, she said, "But I haven't seen him all day!" FML

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Op zondag 26 april 2009 14:43 schreef Mefistoteles het volgende:

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Mietje?
Waarschijnlijk was dat in een kampergezelschap maar ik zou dat toch wel heel erg vinden als m'n oma dat zou zeggen.

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Today, I was having cybersex via webcam with my boyfriend. Trying to be as sexy as I could, I started sucking on my finger. Judging by the look on my boyfriend's face, he was getting really into it. As I started getting into it too, I shoved my finger too far down and puked all over my laptop. FML

hoe slecht ben je dan =

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Today, I told my parents I wanted them to meet my new partner. My mom went into a rant about how she had known I was gay for a while and asked how I was going to tell my husband. I am straight, madly in love with my husband, and was referring to my business partner. FML

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Today, while checking through the graphic novel section of my library, I noticed a gay manga porn comic. While I was wondering who in the world would ever RENT such an item, I realised I had been staring at it for a full five minutes and people were watching me. FML

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Today, my boyfriend who has been overseas the last four months broke up with me. I sent him a care package two days ago. He'll get homemade cookies (his mom's recipe), naughty videos of me and a letter telling him how much I love him in about a week. FML

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Today, I scored two prime baseball tickets from a supplier at work. I phoned my dad to tell him the good news. He said that's great, my brother and him would love to see the game. I said, no, I'm taking you to the game. He told me I was being selfish and hung up the phone. FML

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Today, the girl I've had a crush on for a year finally said she'd go out with me. On the way over to pick her up, she called me and said she'd couldn't go because she was going out to dinner with her ex-boyfriend to talk things over. She asked if she could use the reservations I had made. FML

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Today, I was in a bathroom stall peeing. Shortly after, I heard a couple enter the bathroom, both extremely drunk. They proceeded to have sex standing up against the stall I was in, blocking my only exit. I had to sit, wait, and listen as both parties finished. FML

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Today, a cab driver had to sign me out of the emergency room because I didn't know who else to call. FML

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Today, in my art class we had to paint a nude portrait of a fat, old woman. About halfway through the piece, and while painting her fat rolls, I realized she was the only person other than myself I had ever seen naked. FML

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Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boys eppe pen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML

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Today, I went out to a nice restaurant for my friend's birthday. I went to the bathroom and heard the woman in the other stall crying. She couldn't pull her underwear up over her obese, old-lady ass because her arms don't reach that far anymore. I was the only one there. I had no choice. FML

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Today, I went to Ralph's to get bread and a snack. While paying, an 80 year old lady, in a walker, took my bag while I wasn't watching. That's right, I got jacked by an 80 year old in a walker. FML

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Op zaterdag 16 mei 2009 12:05 schreef Casino.Bob het volgende:
HIER MOET IK GEWOON GEPOST HEBBEN

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Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML

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Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying 'I'm good' or "I'm okay", I said "I'm gay". FML

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Today, I went to rent a DVD with my 85-year-old grandpa. I was walking around and then realized I was alone. I looked for him for quite a while until I finally found him open-mouthed in the porn section. FML

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Today, at the Eurostar customs, an officer asked me if I had packed my luggage myself. I teasingly answered "No, I was helped by a member of Al Qaeda." which earned me a body and luggage search and a missed train. FML

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Today, I went out for a drink with my girlfriend. Everything was going smoothly until her phone rang, she took the call and cut whoever it was off quite quickly by saying "I can't talk right now, I'm in the middle of a break-up". I certainly wasn't aware. FML

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Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML

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Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

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Today, I was at the mall with my girlfriend's family. Her 7 year old brother told me he was feeling sad, so I tried to give him a pat on the back, but it turns out he had a bruise there. He yelled out "don't touch me there!" In the middle of the mall. Now her parents think I'm a pedophile. FML

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Op zondag 17 mei 2009 13:32 schreef neo2000 het volgende:

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Today, I was watching TV with a cup of coffee. My mum asked if I wanted a mars bar. I said that would be great and she proceeded to throw one at me, catching me off guard. The mars bar went straight into my coffee, spilling it over my bare legs. I now have a scald mark on my penis. FML

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Today, my husband was leaving on a long business trip to Germany. As he's leaving, my daughter starts crying. 'Dont leave me with her !' she says. 'Take me with you !' FML

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Today, I walked into my house to find everyone sitting around the table and looking sad. I thought it would be a good time to crack a joke and said "What's wrong? Grandma finally die?" Turns out she had. FML

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Today, I was visiting my sick grandmother in the hospital when my cousin and I were playing in some empty wheelchairs. After goofing off I said, "They're fun, but I would kill myself if I was in a wheelchair." A little boy rounded the corner and said, "Tell me about it." He was in a wheelchair. FML

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Today, I had sex for the first time with the guy I've been seeing about a month. When we finished, all he wanted to do was kiss and cuddle, and all I could think about was how soon he would leave so I could cry. FML

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Today, I spent 3 hours making a birthday card for my boyfriend, delicately cutting each letter out of printed coloured paper. He used it as a coffee coaster. FML

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Today, the three-year-old I was babysitting asked me where my boyfriend was. I told her he was at his house. I'm twenty and single. I lied to a three year old to make myself look less pathetic. FML

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Op zondag 24 mei 2009 15:04 schreef Philip10 het volgende:

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Wehehe, die eerste

Today, I was lying on the couch with my boyfriend and was feeling tired, so I got a soda. I sat back down and surprised him with a passionate kiss. I also surprised him when I suddenly burped right into his mouth. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:31 schreef Noorseviking het volgende:

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Op zondag 24 mei 2009 15:40 schreef Geqxon het volgende:

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Deze snap ik niet.

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Today, was my wedding night. We had decided to wait until marriage to have sex. When I undressed and smiled at my new wife, she burst into tears and cried, "please don't make me do this." FML

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Op zondag 24 mei 2009 15:43 schreef Magic-IRC het volgende:

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Hij bood een leuk uitziende meid een rit naar haar huis.
Zij zegd dat ze al thuis is en loop naar de dichtbijzijnde woning, wat zijn huis is.

Ze wou dus geen lift van hem en loog er over.

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Op zondag 24 mei 2009 15:52 schreef neo2000 het volgende:
Whehehehe...
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Categorie: You deserved that one..

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Op zondag 24 mei 2009 17:20 schreef TimKuik het volgende:
De reacties onder deze ook

http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/2209832

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Op zondag 24 mei 2009 17:20 schreef TimKuik het volgende:
De reacties onder deze ook

http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/2209832

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Today, I thought it would be funny to bother my friend Emily. I kept punching her. She asked if I wanted to fight. I agreed because she's a 15 years old skinny girl and I'm 17 years old buff guy. She beat the crap out of me until I cried. FML

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Today, none of my 500 Facebook friends responded to my status about "who wants to hang out during summer holidays?" I proceeded to create an imaginary person on a different account to respond and ask me to hang out with him. I had a conversation on my status, with myself. FML

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Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML

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Op zondag 24 mei 2009 21:19 schreef Annnet het volgende:

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Op zondag 24 mei 2009 21:19 schreef Annnet het volgende:

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Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML

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Op zondag 24 mei 2009 21:19 schreef Annnet het volgende:

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Today, my boyfriend of four months broke up with me via text message. He spelled my name wrong. FML

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Today my uncle came from another country to visit us and it was the first time he came to our country, when he came upstairs for a tour with my mother they caught me wanking in my room. FML

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Op dinsdag 26 mei 2009 23:42 schreef Acinonyx het volgende:
Today, my friend and I were seeing a movie. We ended up sitting next to a man who was continually laughing, clapping, and bouncing up and down on his seat. Extremely annoyed, we turned to him and told him to "shut the fuck up". Turns out he had downs syndrome and ran out of the theater crying. FML

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Today, I was taking out the trash and I came upon a bill from a veterinary hospital. It was for $50 and it was a bill to put my dog down. My Dad said my dog was missing and I put hundreds of signs around the city. FML

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Today, was my sister's and dad's birthday. I accidentally mixed up the gifts I got for them and my dad ended up with a vibrator. He wasn't very happy. FML

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Today, I dreamed that I met this beautiful girl at a restaurant and we ended up having lunch together. Everything was going perfect until the end when I tried to get her number and she wouldn't give it to me. I can't even get a girl in my dreams. FML

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Today, I was taking out the trash and I came upon a bill from a veterinary hospital. It was for $50 and it was a bill to put my dog down. My Dad said my dog was missing and I put hundreds of signs around the city. FML

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Op dinsdag 26 mei 2009 22:46 schreef Trafasi het volgende:

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Today, I was sitting in a bar next to this gorgeous guy who kept eyeing me up and after about 30 minutes he finally leaned in to whisper something in my ear. What he said? "If I were you, I would get a push-up bra.

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Op donderdag 28 mei 2009 00:49 schreef ratatat het volgende:

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Today, after 7 hours on my feet at work, my boyfriend picked me up. Relieved, I took off my shoes. Suddenly, he looked up and sniffed asking,"are those your feet?" I had forgotten to put on socks in my rush to work. He made me put my shoes back on and sit in the back, windows open. FML

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He made me put my shoes back on and sit in the back, windows open

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Hi, my name is TS and today i started this really funny topic. Too bad the moderators noticed, and i got myself a ban. Now i don't even have internet friends. FML

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Today I was shaving my balls with a blade razor because my electric trimmer had died and I had a big date with the girl of my dreams. I moved too quickly and accidentally knicked a vein in my scrotum. I had to hold gauze over my balls until the paramedics arrived. FML

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Today, I was walking my dog but every time he looked like he was about to "go", he became uninterested with the spot and kept walking. I, following behind, tripped over a bump in the sidewalk and face planted. My dog then finally urinated, all over my aching body. FML

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Today, my grandparents were staying over my house for a couple of nights. As I was walking to my bathroom in the middle of the night, I noticed their door was open, and my grandfather was awake. I tried to say 'Hi' to him, but he didn't hear me. I then noticed that he was masturbating. FML

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Today, while the kid I was babysitting was in the bathroom, he called to me "I need some help in here." Worried I ran to the bathroom and asked him what was wrong. He needed me to wipe his butt. As if that weren't gross enough, just as my hand was under his butt, he pooped again and laughed. FML

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Today, I was taking a bath and out of boredom started making sheep noises. I then had a conversation with myself in farm animal noises. When I got out of the bath, I walked to my bedroom in my towel, passing the living room... where my little brother's soccer team burst out laughing. FML

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Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML

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Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "because you can't find a real girl I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 21:32 schreef DeHovenier het volgende:

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 21:32 schreef DeHovenier het volgende:

[..]

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 21:32 schreef DeHovenier het volgende:

[..]

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Today, I thought it would be funny to fart in my roommates mouth while he was asleep. I walked over to him and pulled my pyjamas down and let loose. To my surprise it was a very wet one and I accidently took a dump on his face, he woke up and beat me until I was bleeding. FML

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Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

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Today, it was my girlfriends birthday. To surprise her, I told her that I was going away on business, and could not be there on her birthday. When I show up at her house to surprise her with a present and cake, she opens the door in her underwear, beside a man in his boxers. She was surprised. FML

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Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

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Today, we had our divorce hearing and now it is final. As we were leaving the courthouse, I told my ex-wife how happy I was that we were finally free from each other. Then my junky old van wouldn't start and I had to beg her for a ride home. FML

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Today, I was was leaving the library when I noticed an elderly woman being mugged. I was about to leave on my bike, but promptly went to help her. After I managed to scare off the mugger, I helped her to her car. As I was heading back to my bike, I notice the mugger riding off on it. FML

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Today, I was walking around at my cottage barefoot when I suddenly got a sliver in my foot. I sat down on a chair so that I could try to get the sliver out. I sat on a wasp and it stung me. FML

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 19:26 schreef Dubbelzuurrr het volgende:

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Today, my wife asked me to pop an ingrown hair near her crotch. We haven't had sex since last September. Popping her ingrown hair was the closest I've gotten to my wife's vagina in nearly nine months. FML

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Op donderdag 25 juni 2009 15:00 schreef -Willempie- het volgende:

[..]



_kickje

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Today, I ran into my crush of three years ago. We used to always walk our dogs together. He still remembered my dog's name. He didn't remember mine. FML

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Today, I was texting a friend of mine. She mentioned it was her dad's birthday. I typed "Tell him Happy Birthday for me!" and as I pressed send I remember her dad was dead. FML

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Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex and listening to loud music when she suddenly looked worried and asked if I heard something. I said no and continued. Moments later, three firemen opened the bedroom door and told us to get dressed and go outside because the building was on fire. FML

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Today, I was cashiering at Target when an old woman came into my checkout line. Her items? Variety pack of pleasuring condoms, a bottle of KY sensual lube, and two colorful thongs. As I'm scanning these, she leans in and whispers, "I love toys." FML

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Today, I went to a new bar downtown with some friends. I was a little buzzed and had to pee so bad. I rushed into the bathroom and as I sat down I felt a squish on my upper thigh. Turns out the last person in the stall decided to take a shit on the toilet seat. FML

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Today, I was riding on the back of my dad's motorcycle. After a few minutes, the vibrations from the engine became way too much for me and I couldn't control myself. I had such an intense orgasm, sitting right behind my father, with my arms around his waist. FML

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Today, I went on my honeymoon to Hawaii. My family decided to surprise my new husband and I by joining us on our vacation. FML

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Op dinsdag 30 juni 2009 15:14 schreef Bart het volgende:

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Zo, das kut

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Today, I sent pictures to my ex of me and my new boyfriend in bed. He sent them to my dad. FML

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Op dinsdag 30 juni 2009 15:25 schreef Bart het volgende:

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Dan ben je ook dom

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Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML

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Today, my girlfriend went on a trip to see her "sick" father with her young attractive male friend. I asked if I could come too but she said there isn’t enough room in the car. I didn't mind till I realized that she drove a 4 door SUV and her father died 2 years ago. FML

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Today, my wife and I went shopping for new glasses at a local store, but we didn't really get to actually buying one. On our way back, she warned me that my glasses of choice should in no way be 'those big arty ones'. When I asked her why not, she told me that I 'look gay enough already'. FML

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Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction… “I love Los Angeles too!” FML

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Today, after a party, I brought a girl to the flat I share with my 2 best friends. While we are doing it, she asks me "You're not afraid your friends could hear us?". The only answer that spontaneously came out of my mouth: "Don't worry, they're used to it". FML

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Today, my little cousin came to visit my family. I haven't seen him in a while so I figured he missed me. Thinking so, I tried to hug him. While going in for the hug, he punched me in the balls and called me a faggot. FML

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Today, through AIM, I told my ex boyfriend that I still have really deep feelings for him. The message I sent him was really long and took me almost an hour to write. His response? "Dun dun dunnn, the plot thickens!" Then he signed off. FML

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Today, my boss fired me because arriving at 8 and leaving at 9 is unacceptable and I should work at least 8 hours a day. For the past week I have been working 13 hours a day to finish a project. I got fired because my boss does not know the difference between am and pm. FML

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Today, I left something in my boss' office. The door was closed which usually means she isn't in there, so I asked her coworker/friend for the key. When I opened the door, she screamed at me to get out of there. Turns out, she has just stopped breast feeding her son and was pumping her breasts. FML

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Today, I gave the option to my boyfriend of 5 years to either quit World of Warcraft of lose me. He said WOW makes him happier. FML

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Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex. It got very wild and soon was interrupted by a knock on my door. My dad had come home early from work, and heard the whole thing. He demanded my boyfriend to come over, and he had a sex talk with him on the couch in front of the whole family. FML

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Today, I checked my voicemail. I was really surprised to hear an adorable message from my boyfriend, who was vacationing in Florida. I was even more surprised to hear him having sex with some other girl for the last seven minutes of the message. FML

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Op dinsdag 7 juli 2009 15:06 schreef HoneyPop het volgende:
Geweldig topic dit

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Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML

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Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed. FML

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Today, I finally got Wii Fit to lose some weight. Came home and set it all up only to be told that I weigh too much to use the board. FML

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Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and refused to give me back the condoms I'd just bought. Why? Because she wants to use them with the guys she's been cheating on me with. FML

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Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven't slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML

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Op woensdag 8 juli 2009 10:26 schreef -Willempie- het volgende:

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Today, I gathered both mine and my girlfriend's families secretly to a restaurant. I paid the restaurant to play romantic music, and paid for the best table available. As soon as we finished our meal, our families gathered around and I proposed. She laughed and said no way. FML

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Today, I found out that not only has my father been cheating on my mother with another woman, but they have a child together with the same name as me. FML

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Today, I drunkenly made out with my 65 year-old married female boss. I'm a 21 year-old male intern. I have a feeling work will be awkward tomorrow. FML

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Today, I was having breakfast when my mom's boyfriend came and sat right across from me. He didn't try and hide the fact that he was staring at my chest and told me, "Wow, you're getting bigger." I glared at him. He winked at me. FML

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Today, while in the shower, my roomates thought it would be really funny if they threw my cat in with me. The doctor who gave me the stitches also thought so. FML

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Today, I saw my girlfriend going into my best friend's dorm room and suspected her to cheat on me so I placed a camera in his room to spy on them. In the end, I discovered that my girlfriend has problems in math and both my best friend and brother are gay. FML

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Today, I was listening to music while my grandma and mom were in the same room. I only had one headphone in. My mom, thinking I had both in, started telling my grandma how much of a "little bitch" I am. My grandma went on to say, "She's also a slut." FML

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Today, I saw my girlfriend going into my best friend's dorm room and suspected her to cheat on me so I placed a camera in his room to spy on them. In the end, I discovered that my girlfriend has problems in math and both my best friend and brother are gay. FML

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Op zondag 19 april 2009 21:42 schreef svefn het volgende:
ik kom er na een stuk of 50 van die dingen gelezen te hebben, pas achter dat elke begint met 'today'



die zou ik eigenlijk op die site moeten posten

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Op zondag 19 april 2009 21:42 schreef svefn het volgende:
ik kom er na een stuk of 50 van die dingen gelezen te hebben, pas achter dat elke begint met 'today'



die zou ik eigenlijk op die site moeten posten

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Op donderdag 20 augustus 2009 19:06 schreef Trafasi het volgende:
Today, me and my boyfriend were having sex. After 10 minutes, when we change the position he shouted: "Power Rangers - Transform!" FML

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Today, I saw a video of me last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" naked. FML

SPOILER

Om spoilers te kunnen lezen moet je zijn ingelogd. Je moet je daarvoor eerst gratis Registreren. Ook kun je spoilers niet lezen als je een ban hebt.

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Today, I was eating with a friend while walking on the sidewalk. A couple of pigeons were bothering us so I threw a fry onto the street. As a flock of pigeons were gathering around the fry, a truck drove by. Only four survived. FML

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Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling in bed. After looking at me for a while he said, "you look better when I'm not wearing my contacts". FML

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Today, my girlfriend jumped, naked, onto my computer desk, with the intention of having sex on it. A new, £250 computer desk, broken beyond repair. And we didn't even have sex. FML

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Op vrijdag 21 augustus 2009 01:17 schreef Graseter het volgende:
Oud topic ?

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Today, my boyfriend threw me a going-away party. During the party, I caught him in my bedroom hooking up with my friend because "you're leaving soon anyway so it doesn't matter." I'll only be gone for 6 weeks. FML

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Today, my ex showed up at my door with chocolates and flowers. I've liked him since I was 13, starting dating him when I was 15. He proposed when I was 22. I am now 24, and yesterday was our wedding day. He didn't show. FML

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Op zaterdag 22 augustus 2009 10:50 schreef 2cv het volgende:
Gevalletje van vergissing in de dag en een zwaar overtrokken reactie van die muts (lijkt mij).

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Op zaterdag 22 augustus 2009 11:46 schreef Mikkie het volgende:

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Als je je vergist in je trouwdag ben je wel een enorme droplul. Dat bestaat niet.

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Today, my ex showed up at my door with chocolates and flowers. I've liked him since I was 13, starting dating him when I was 15. He proposed when I was 22. I am now 24, and yesterday was our wedding day. He didn't show. FML

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Op zaterdag 22 augustus 2009 14:07 schreef Magic-IRC het volgende:

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Ik ben het niet met jou eens:
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Ze zijn intussen gescheiden, na hooguit 2 jaar getrouwd te zijn.
Wie gaat er dan op de trouwdag zelf (terwijl je intussen gescheiden ben) nog bij je ex langs?

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Op zaterdag 22 augustus 2009 14:09 schreef Mikkie het volgende:

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Ik lees het anders: vanaf haar 13e vond ze hem leuk, vanaf haar 15e een stelletje, op haar 22e heeft hij haar gevraagd. Nu is ze 24 en zouden ze gisteren eindelijk gaan trouwen, maar daar is ie dus niet op komen dagen. En daarom is het nu dus haar ex.

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Op zaterdag 22 augustus 2009 14:09 schreef Mikkie het volgende:

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Ik lees het anders: vanaf haar 13e vond ze hem leuk, vanaf haar 15e een stelletje, op haar 22e heeft hij haar gevraagd. Nu is ze 24 en zouden ze gisteren eindelijk gaan trouwen, maar daar is ie dus niet op komen dagen. En daarom is het nu dus haar ex.

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Today, there was a car taking up 3 spaces. I left a note on the windshield that said "I hope your children come out retarded." As I was walking back, I saw the owner of the car loading her crippled son into the backseat, she needed the extra room to maneuver his wheelchair up into her car. FML

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Gisteren kreeg ik een smsje van een jongen die ik al een tijdje leuk vind. Er stond in dat hij mij ook erg leuk vind, maar dat hij dat niet durfde te vertellen. Ik stuurde heel blij terug: “Ik vind jou ook hartstikke leuk!” Waarom ik terug kreeg: “Oww, sorry, ik heb ‘t smsje naar de verkeerde gestuurd!” MDWK

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Op dinsdag 6 oktober 2009 22:33 schreef Saucijzenbroodje het volgende:
Lekkere bump van een maandje.. Heb nu ook een Nederlandse ontdekt: www.mijndagwas.nl

Staan wel een paar leuke tussen:
[..]

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Today, I got an email from the company that manages my Cat's microchip informing me that I had to update my information that had been entered by the local Humane Society. Apparently, they listed my cat "Coral" as the owner, and me as the pet. To change it, they needed the cat's signature. FML

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Op dinsdag 6 oktober 2009 23:20 schreef Editeur het volgende:
Kut kick

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Vorige week vertelde een vriend op MSN dat zijn vader overleden was. Ik wilde als antwoord een “wink” sturen van een huilend poppetje. Ik klikte per ongeluk verkeerd, en verstuurde een dansend varken. MDWK

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Op woensdag 7 oktober 2009 06:34 schreef Bart het volgende:

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Welnee, iedere kick herinnert mij eraan weer eens een kijkje te nemen op FML, en dan lig ik weer in een deuk

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Op vrijdag 9 oktober 2009 03:55 schreef Editeur het volgende:

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Klopt, wil gewoon een beetje stoer doen op internet

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Op dinsdag 6 oktober 2009 22:53 schreef DeHovenier het volgende:

[..]

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Today, I stopped at the light when someone crashed on to my motorcycle making me fall. The guy claimed it was my fault because I stopped too fast. I got really mad, so I attempted to spit on his face and was ready to start a fight when I noticed that I forgot to lift the helmet shield. FML

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Today, we were doing stretches in dance class where you are on your hands and doing the splits in the air while your partner helps hold you and stretch your legs further. Right as I lift my left leg up, I farted hugely right in my partner's face. I couldn't make eye contact for the rest of class. FML

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Today, my little sister was playing with her building blocks. All of a sudden, she began to cry and held her finger out to me. Assuming she had hurt it, I kissed it better, and tasted something odd on my lips. Turns out she wasn't hurt, she was crying because she had touched cat vomit. FML

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Today, I found out that the student tutor my son advised me to hire was my son's girlfriend. I have been paying her $20 an hour for the last 3 weeks to make out with my son in his room. FML

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Today, I found out that my sister who is 16 years older than me is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML

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Today, I found out that my parents are 28,000 dollars in debt and that my bank account has $27.17 in it. They took my money to help pay their debt. FML

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Today, I ordered a chicken sandwich. I was starving and it was the fastest thing to order. Half way through it, I found something which does not belong, and removed it. It was half a cockroach, and I don't know where the other half is. FML

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Op vrijdag 9 oktober 2009 10:07 schreef Bart het volgende:

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Op vrijdag 9 oktober 2009 11:21 schreef TimKuik het volgende:

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Haha, die middelste, wat een koning!

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Op zaterdag 10 oktober 2009 19:52 schreef JawohlNein het volgende:

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Haha, ik heb speciaal een account aangemaakt om te zeggen dat "de middelste" van 6 niet kan.. Tel ik het nog eens na en waren het er 7.. Maar je hebt gelijk, die is geniaal!

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Op zaterdag 10 oktober 2009 19:52 schreef JawohlNein het volgende:

[..]

Haha, ik heb speciaal een account aangemaakt om te zeggen dat "de middelste" van 6 niet kan.. Tel ik het nog eens na en waren het er 7.. Maar je hebt gelijk, die is geniaal!

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 12:45 schreef Editeur het volgende:

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Je gaat te fur

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 14:42 schreef powerlite het volgende:

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whoah nog een persoon die "te fur" zegt

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 15:14 schreef Editeur het volgende:

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OMQ, weve got a connection, you and I. Vrienden?

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 15:14 schreef Editeur het volgende:

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OMQ, weve got a connection, you and I. Vrienden?

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 16:02 schreef powerlite het volgende:

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ja graag! eindelijk sociaal contact ongekend voor Fokkers

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 16:52 schreef Casino.Bob het volgende:

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[..]

fags

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 18:13 schreef powerlite het volgende:

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ah voel je je achtergesteld? *knuffel*

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 20:26 schreef neo2000 het volgende:

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Today, i was online at a forum i hang out a lot since I have no real life. Since i'm having difficulties making a real life connection with someone, I was overjoyed someone seemed to be into the same things as I was for a change. That is, until someone made a stupid remark at us in the middle of our conversation. Turns out the other guys' gay and was only interested in having suprise buttsecks with me. FML.

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 20:26 schreef neo2000 het volgende:

[..]

Today, i was online at a forum i hang out a lot since I have no real life. Since i'm having difficulties making a real life connection with someone, I was overjoyed someone seemed to be into the same things as I was for a change. That is, until someone made a stupid remark at us in the middle of our conversation. Turns out the other guys' gay and was only interested in having suprise buttsecks with me. FML.

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Vandaag reed ik in de auto naar m’n werk. Ik hoorde iemand achter me toeteren dus ik toeterde boos terug en stak mijn vinger uit. Eenmaal aangekomen op mijn werk vroeg mijn baas waarom ik mijn vinger naar hem opstak, terwijl hij mij groette. MDWK

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Vorig weekend had ik een date naar de bioscoop. In de pauze ging ik naar de WC. Toen ik terugkwam was ze weggegaan. MDWK

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Today, I had a UTI and the doctor said the medicine can sometimes make you leak a little. "Leak a little" apparently translates into peeing all over myself, my boyfriend, and his bed while we were sleeping. The doctor also said this medicine can stain your urine a beautiful, bright orange color. FML

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Today, my girlfriend's mother called me to tell me she didn't appreciate our "public amorous behaviour" at the local food court. I didn't go out all day. FML

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 20:26 schreef neo2000 het volgende:

[..]

Today, i was online at a forum i hang out a lot since I have no real life. Since i'm having difficulties making a real life connection with someone, I was overjoyed someone seemed to be into the same things as I was for a change. That is, until someone made a stupid remark at us in the middle of our conversation. Turns out the other guys' gay and was only interested in having suprise buttsecks with me. FML.

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Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML

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Op dinsdag 13 oktober 2009 13:12 schreef BazzieK het volgende:

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Op dinsdag 13 oktober 2009 13:12 schreef BazzieK het volgende:

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Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML

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Today, after spending the night at my boyfriend's house, I was heading out the door when he called me back to hand me something I had left at his house a while ago. It was one of my bras. It wasn't until I got home I noticed the cup size was a B. I'm a size D. FML

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Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML

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Op dinsdag 13 oktober 2009 23:04 schreef DeHovenier het volgende:

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Die snap ik niet. Of zijn nieuwe gf gaat vreemd?

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Op dinsdag 13 oktober 2009 23:08 schreef aight1 het volgende:

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Z'n (ex-)vrouw wou blijkbaar niet bij hem in bed slapen, dus verzon ze dat hij snurkte zodat hij ergens anders moest slapen

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Op woensdag 14 oktober 2009 15:15 schreef haakon het volgende:
Met carnaval in Duitsland hadden we van een Duitse vrouw haar hoofddeksel afgepakt, een fiets gestolen en een groot verkeersbord met lampen meegenomen. De terugweg werden we aangehouden door de politie.. voor het hoofddeksel. MDWG

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Op woensdag 14 oktober 2009 15:21 schreef Suusje-V het volgende:

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Waar staat MDWG voor?
En wat is de Nederlandse site dan?

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Op woensdag 14 oktober 2009 15:47 schreef haakon het volgende:
Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML

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Op woensdag 14 oktober 2009 15:54 schreef Bart het volgende:

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Waarom kopieer je de 2e post van dit topic?