F*** My Life

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Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML

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Op vrijdag 17 april 2009 23:22 schreef Philip10 het volgende:
Misschien ken je het wel.

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Today, I had to re-take an hour long MRI scan because I got an erection midway through. FML

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Today, I stumbled upon my boyfriend's Facebook. His second Facebook. On which I also stumbled upon his second girlfriend. FML

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Today, I was driving home from school, when I saw this girl I like walking home. Trying to be polite, I pulled over and asked if she wanted a ride. After my offer, I was rejected as she said "No, I'm actually already home," and proceeded to walk up the nearest driveway... MY driveway. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:32 schreef zhe-devilll het volgende:
Ik hou daar niet van lachen om de ellende van anderen!!!!!!!

...normen en waarden kinderen denk erom!

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:33 schreef raaavi het volgende:

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heb je wel mooi een tvp in een topic waar je extreem tegen bent

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Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:32 schreef zhe-devilll het volgende:
Ik hou daar niet van lachen om de ellende van anderen!!!!!!!

...normen en waarden kinderen denk erom!

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Today, I was working as a swim instructor for kids. Teaching them not to be afraid of the water, I put my face in the water and blew bubbles. I asked them to try it. All of them did, except for one. I went right to him and blew bubbles again. He then said to me, "but I just peed in that water." FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:37 schreef RoW_0 het volgende:

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HAHAHAHAAHA

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:37 schreef Quir het volgende:

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Dat zit er gewoon ingebakken, zhe.

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:39 schreef zhe-devilll het volgende:

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hou-hart-vast- al die sleutelkids...zucht

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Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery which I may not survive, she decided getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:39 schreef zhe-devilll het volgende:

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hou-hart-vast- al die sleutelkids...zucht

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:40 schreef raaavi het volgende:

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Oja, jij was die user met die smerige FoBo.

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:43 schreef Quir het volgende:

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Sleutelkids? Verklaar u nader.

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Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:45 schreef zhe-devilll het volgende:

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kids zonder emoticons! Je weetz wel tog?

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:46 schreef Quir het volgende:

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Emoticons hebben we genoeg hier. In overvloed, zelfs.
Hoe kom je trouwens bij dat woord?

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:47 schreef zhe-devilll het volgende:

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Je moet niet zulke moeilijke vragen stellen als het nacht is enzo,..hoor

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:50 schreef Quir het volgende:

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De nacht is nog jong.

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Today, I got my long hair cut in a short pixie cut. When my five year old daughter saw me she laughed and proclaimed 'You look just like a man!'. That afternoon I got a concerned call from the school. My daughter has told everyone 'mummy has gone away, I now have two daddies!' FML

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Today, I was woken up to my mom playing the piano awfully. I screamed down the stairs "you suck, stop playing!" Turns out it was my 5 year old cousin playing a recital. For my entire family. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 00:50 schreef zhe-devilll het volgende:

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Neuken??????

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 01:10 schreef AngryNerd het volgende:
Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to "surprise mom later". Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 01:11 schreef raaavi het volgende:

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hmm.... nadere uitleg het is al laat.

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 01:11 schreef AngryNerd het volgende:
Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 01:11 schreef AngryNerd het volgende:
Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

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Today, I came home from work to find that my neighbor's trash bins are still on the curb. While returning the bins to her backyard, her kid runs out and shoots me with a paintball gun. Multiple times. He thought I was a burglar and he ruined my new suit.

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 01:11 schreef AngryNerd het volgende:
Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

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Today, I was masturbating to a video a friend sent me. The girls were hot, walking out on a stage doing all sorts of sexy manuevers. The video was close to ending and the announcer in the video announced the winner. His name was Dan. It was a drag competition. My friend knew I'd whack off to it. FML

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Today, I came home to find my mum on the phone to the doctor. When she hung up I asked what had happened. She said they found a sexually transmitted disease in my bloodtest, and then she began to call me a slut. I'm 14, and am still a virgin. After 5 mins of crying, she tells me she was joking. FML

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Today, I turned 18. Nothing was said at breakfast, but I figured they'd remember and we'd have cake at night. I came home and there was cake, but not for me. My sister got her period for the first time during the day and they were celebrating. Apparently, a vaginal discharge was more important. FML

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Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 02:17 schreef xericax het volgende:
Today, we had some family over. A nasty need to wank seized me when I saw her : my 17 year old cousin. I went to my unoccupied parents’ bedroom. My sister's baby walkie talkie was on and the whole family heard me. FML

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Op zaterdag 18 april 2009 02:17 schreef xericax het volgende:
Today, we had some family over. A nasty need to wank seized me when I saw her : my 17 year old cousin. I went to my unoccupied parents’ bedroom. My sister's baby walkie talkie was on and the whole family heard me. FML

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Op zondag 19 april 2009 12:29 schreef Mikkie het volgende:
Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out. With a man. FML

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Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

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Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML

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Today, my wife went to the hospital because she had been gaining weight recently and had missed her period the last three months. We thought it was menopause. Turns out she's pregnant. I've been sterile since the day I was born. FML

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Today, my mom had a baby shower. When it was over I walked around cleaning up the trash, when I saw a card sitting on the table with a note to my mom saying "better luck with this one." At the moment I am an only child, and the card was signed from my grandmother. FML

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Today, I was eating nacho chips with my nieces when I started to feel that some were wet. I look at my niece and notice she was sucking on the chips, and putting them back in the bag. FML

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Op zondag 19 april 2009 15:10 schreef powerlite het volgende:
fucking briljant! TVP

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Op zondag 19 april 2009 14:37 schreef waht het volgende:

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Op donderdag 23 april 2009 07:26 schreef theKiD het volgende:
Ff een tvp..

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Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML

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Today, as soon as I got home, my girlfriend was waiting for me at the door. She told me she was breaking up with me, the reason? She found a girl's shirt in my closet and that she didn't need a cheating boyfriend. That shirt was mine. FML

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Today, I texted the hottest girl in the school saying, "I really like you, we should date". She responded with a text saying, "Sorry, I'm not into you." I then got a text saying, "Sorry, my brother stole my phone, and answered, but still it's no". I got rejected twice. Once by a man. FML

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Today, I was talking to my hot neighbor. We were in the driveway of her house, and I looked at her car and noticed a hideous dummy. It was fat and just ugly, but I didn't think much of it. I tried to make a joke and asked, "Where did you get that awful thing?" She said, "That's my daughter". FML

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Today, I had an appraisal meeting with the Boss. She raved and gushed and told me what a great job I was doing. Then she said "Well done, Eric". Eric is not my name. She froze, opened a new file and told me my actual appraisal, which was the complete opposite of everything she had just said. FML

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Today I pulled over to help a girl with her car. I thought my limited mechanic skills would help look like a hero. She only needed her coolant cap unscrewed. With top down, shirt off, I was confident as I got out of my car. 10 minutes later I left because I couldn't unscrew the fucking thing. FML

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Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

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Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML

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Op donderdag 23 april 2009 20:04 schreef JanusAnus het volgende:

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Kankergeniaal

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Op donderdag 23 april 2009 20:06 schreef JanusAnus het volgende:

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Op donderdag 23 april 2009 20:06 schreef JanusAnus het volgende:

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Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML

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Op donderdag 23 april 2009 20:26 schreef IkkuhNL2 het volgende:
Today, I bought a $1.09 burrito from taco bell with my debit card, unfortunately my overdraft fee was $25. I spent $26.01 on a burrito. FML

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Today, I was eating lunch naked at my home watching porn on the big screen. I heard the garage door opening meaning my roommate was coming home. In my haste to get dressed, I fell back in the barstool I was sitting in and knocked myself out. I woke up still naked and with lettuce all over me. FML

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Today, after a late night at the bars, I stepped into my building's elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Without thinking I said, "Oooh, are you still delivering?" His response, "I live here." FML

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Today, my fiance told me that he no longer loves me, that he still has feelings for an ex. The wedding is off and he needs the ring back to give to the right woman. FML

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Today, my friend and I wanted to get some alcohol (we're under 21). We went to a liquor store and asked a random guy to go in and buy us some vodka. After giving him $20, he said he had to go turn off his car, then he'd get us the drinks. He got in his car and drove off, with my $20. FML

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Op donderdag 23 april 2009 20:06 schreef JanusAnus het volgende:

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Op donderdag 23 april 2009 17:52 schreef powerlite het volgende:
Today, I got a spray tan for the first time. Naked, I climbed into the booth. When the machine started I became frightened by the loud roar of the spray and couldn't breathe. I proceeded to pee on myself out of fear. I now have river-like streaks down both legs where the pee washed my tan away. FML

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Today, I got dressed in what I thought was a really adorable outfit. I had a cute pink skirt on, a white tank top and silver strappy sandal heels. On my way to the mall a car pulls over and this guy asks me how much for three hours. FML

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Today, me and my bootie-call were doing the dirty on the lower bunk bed while his roommate was passed out drunk on top. Right when we were about to finish, I said "this is so bad, we're probably going to wake up your roommate." From the top bunk we heard..."yup." FML

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Today, I got pulled over while dancing to crazy techno beats in the car. The officer RAN out of his car and up to mine and pounded on my window. He thought I was having a seizure. FML

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Today, as I was washing the dishes, I felt what I thought was a mosquito on my leg. I kicked at it with my foot only to realize that I had just kicked my adopted puppy in the face. Now, whenever I come into a room, he runs to the corner and pees. FML

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Op zaterdag 25 april 2009 07:26 schreef theKiD het volgende:

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Op zaterdag 25 april 2009 07:47 schreef delano.888 het volgende:

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Today, at my grandmothers funeral I tired my hardest not to cry, only allowing tears to fall and not making any noise, to be respectful at her funeral. The next day my mother tells my father that I didn't cry, which obviously meant that I didn't love my grandmother and had no soul. FML

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Op donderdag 23 april 2009 23:10 schreef Caspian het volgende:
Er zitten ook een heleboel mietjes tussen.

"Boehoe, mijn grootmoeder zei dat een sporter een 'nice package' had. M'n grootmoeder praatte over sex tegen mij. Fuck my life!"

(Ik kon de exacte quote niet terugvinden, maar er staan er meer van dat soort mietjes tussen.)

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Today, I came home from a two-week overseas business trip. My wife was at work, but she came home for lunch. When she came in, she brushed right past me to hug and talk to her dog. When I mentioned it, she said, "But I haven't seen him all day!" FML

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Op zondag 26 april 2009 14:43 schreef Mefistoteles het volgende:

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Mietje?
Waarschijnlijk was dat in een kampergezelschap maar ik zou dat toch wel heel erg vinden als m'n oma dat zou zeggen.