F*** my life

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Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who I still have feelings for, so I decided to make him jealous by making out with the really drunk guy next to me. While we were making out, he threw up in my mouth and all over me. Everybody found it hysterical including my ex. FML

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Today, I woke up hungover and thirsty, I found a glass of water next to the sink, filled it up with more water, chugged it and went back to bed. I woke up an hour later to my best friend telling me she thought she lost her contacts. They were in a glass next to the sink. I ate her contacts. FML

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Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

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Today, I bought my girlfriend an iPhone. I preloaded it with a bunch of cool apps and stuff and spent a lot and money. She used it to send a text to me 3 hours later saying that she thought we should break up. FML

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 12:07 schreef padlarf het volgende:

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Nee!

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 12:19 schreef Spougle het volgende:

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Today, my mother found condoms in my room. She asked why and I said "Just in case." She started laughing hysterically. FML

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Today, my friends were being rude to me, so I decided to be nice to a boy that didn't have many friends. While I was talking to him he popped a pimple on his face and tasted it and offered some to me. FML

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Today, I was working at Old Navy. A girl came up to me and did a bizarre dance. Not knowing how to react, I imitated her to be friendly with the customer. Then she stopped cold. Her friend stormed up to me and yelled, "you jerk! Why are you mocking her? She has tourettes you know!" FML

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Today, I was talked into having sex with my boyfriend of 4 years. I had always wanted to wait till marriage but my boyfriend convinced me otherwise. Once we were done, he said he could never marry me because I was no longer pure. FML

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Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. FML

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Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

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Today, I realized that my father's weekly unemployment check is more than my bi-weekly pay check. My full time job pays less than my father's unemployment.

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Today, in an effort to seduce my husband, I laid in bed caressing myself. He walked in, looked at me, and said "is the ground beef in the freezer still good?" and when I answered "yes," he turned and walked out of the room. FML

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Today, I finally convinced my husband of 8 years to partake in a threesome with a guy that works with me and for which I have developed feelings. Everything was going well until in the heat of the moment my husband started performing oral sex on my colleague. I can't face either of them now. FML

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Today, I thought it would be funny to fart in my roommates mouth while he was asleep. I walked over to him and pulled my pyjamas down and let loose. To my surprise it was a very wet one and I accidently took a dump on his face, he woke up and beat me until I was bleeding. FML

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Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunder storm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML

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day, I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend. I look him straight in the eye and ask him: "What's the first thing you think about when you look at me?". His answer: "Can I finish my steak?" FML

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Today, I feared my mother had seen the bottle of hand lotion i forgot to take off the computer desk after i masturbated last night, but she acted fine. I went out with friends to find she had changed the backgroud to say "Please Do Not Watch Porn on the Family Computer." FML

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Today, I went to fill up my car. 500 metres before the petrol station, I saw a group of motorcyclists in my rear view mirror. I slowed down and pulled over to let them past. In fact, they were also going to fill up. 35 motorcyclists and 2 petrol pumps. FML

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Today, my husband invited his boss and his wife to dinner. During the meal, I tasted the wine and apologised for its bad quality, somewhat annoyed: "Dont drink that, I'll go and look for another bottle." Unfortunately, it was our guests who had brought the wine in question. FML

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 14:43 schreef Wackyduck het volgende:

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 14:47 schreef Dawnbreaker het volgende:

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 15:07 schreef BroesWillems het volgende:

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ander krijg je eelt op je handen...

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Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML

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Today, I was babysitting a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. I asked her, "Do you got your bag?" And she said, "No. I have my bag. Babies say got. I'm a big girl." I am 20 years old and in the honors program in my college. I was corrected by a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. FML

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 15:47 schreef krapula het volgende:

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 15:05 schreef padlarf het volgende:
wtf, waar heb je hand lotion voor nodig dan?

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Today, I was at a 21st birthday party. It got to the bit where they blow out the candles and the girl hosting blew out her candles. While she was blowing I whispered to the fella next to me, "That's not the only thing she will be blowing tonight". The guy next to me was her dad. FML

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 18:52 schreef krapula het volgende:

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Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

Today, I was at a professional hockey game. I wasn't paying attention and a puck was shot into the stands and hit me in the face. My mouth was bleeding and I lost two teeth. As I was trying to cough up my teeth the old man next to me shoved me over and stole the puck. Everyone cheered. FML

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Today, my mom asked if I wanted to come to dinner with my parents and my grandparents who are in from London. When we got to the restaurant, there was a wait. My mom made me walk home because they could get a table quicker for a group of four than a group of five. FML

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Today, I had a food allergy test done because of an ugly acne upswing. And after over a year of vegetarianism, I find out that I'm allergic to soy. FML

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Today, it was my girlfriends birthday. To surprise her, I told her that I was going away on business, and could not be there on her birthday. When I show up at her house to surprise her with a present and cake, she opens the door in her underwear, beside a man in his boxers. She was surprised. FML

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 10:00 schreef padlarf het volgende:

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AHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!!!

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 10:37 schreef r8ality het volgende:

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Today I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment and I told her I didn't have a condom. She responded by laughing in my face and upon realizing my look of confusion said "Oh, you actually thought I'd have sex with you?" FML

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Today, I was setting up my laptop's fingerprint scanner. It worked, but in the name of science, I decided to put my penis on it to see if it could recognize it. When I was trying to login via my penis print, my mom walked in. FML

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Today someone found a picture of me playing chess, on the internet, now I can't show my face on my favourite forum anymore. FML

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 18:36 schreef Afwazig het volgende:

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 10:54 schreef BigKahuna het volgende:

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Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 10:00 schreef padlarf het volgende:

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AHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!!!

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 19:28 schreef MadGuy het volgende:

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Awh!

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Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They decided it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML

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Today I had an important interview. On the way there, I stopped in front of a car window to look at my reflection, checking I didn't have salad stuck between my teeth. Having pulled several faces, I realised that there were two girls inside the car, cracking up with laughter. FML

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Today, I received a list of employee names who were losing their jobs and I had to remove them from the system as I work for IT. I was on the list. That's right. My last responsibility as an employee was removing myself from the system for security reasons. FML

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Today, I was finally going to Best Buy to get The Sims 3. I was so excited to get it that I ran to the back of the store to get it, and tripped over a little boy in the process, which made me stumble into a CD rack and knock it over. Which made the rest of the CD racks fall over like dominoes. FML

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Today, a really cute guy sat across from me on the bus. He smiled at me, then tensed his muscles and lifted a heavy bag with one arm. Thinking he was trying to act "macho" to impress me, I rolled my eyes and threw him an annoyed/disgusted look. When he got off, I realized he only had one arm. FML

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 18:36 schreef Afwazig het volgende:

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Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I went to go have a look and she was pretend cooking. When I asked what she was making she said "look mommy, chocolate!" and stuck her finger in my mouth. It wasn't chocolate. FML

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Today, I woke up a little after seven. I felt sick to my stomach because last night was my bachelor party and I drank more than I ever have before. I checked my phone, and I had received 42 missed calls. It was seven o'clock pm. Today was my wedding day. FML

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 18:35 schreef zjroentje het volgende:
Als ik ff niks te doen heb, is dit echt een prachtige site om te lezen.


Today, I was setting up my laptop's fingerprint scanner. It worked, but in the name of science, I decided to put my penis on it to see if it could recognize it. When I was trying to login via my penis print, my mom walked in. FML

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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 00:28 schreef Bolter het volgende:

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On my last birthday I was in my bedroom waiting for the first familymember to come over. In the time I had to wait I decided to watch some pornographic material I had on my computer. When removed my pants and started playing with myself, all of the sudden my grandma walked in, and asked me to come downstairs.
I quickly pulled up my pants and walked down the stairs with her, hoping she didn't see anything.
When we entered the room, my whole family was already there and my grandma told everyone she found me in my room looking at pictures of aunt Nellly. FML

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Today, while walking down the street, a homeless man walked up to me. He opened his mouth to say something and I immediately said that I didn't have any spare change because I was late for work. He then said "I was gonna ask you for the time, dickwad". Apparently he wasn't homeless. FML

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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 00:16 schreef Jimbo het volgende:

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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 02:07 schreef krapula het volgende:
Today, while walking down the street, a homeless man walked up to me. He opened his mouth to say something and I immediately said that I didn't have any spare change because I was late for work. He then said "I was gonna ask you for the time, dickwad". Apparently he wasn't homeless. FML
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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 23:41 schreef Black-Death het volgende:
roflmao
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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 00:28 schreef Bolter het volgende:

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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 13:21 schreef Silver92 het volgende:
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 13:21 schreef Silver92 het volgende:
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

___________!

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Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 00:16 schreef Jimbo het volgende:

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Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML

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Today, I was at this awesome party and I was dancing with this really attractive girl who started making out with me all of a sudden. Five minutes later, my friend told me that the girl had just given him a blowjob. FML

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Today, half asleep, I dropped my pill before I could take it. I quickly picked it up and washed it down. Five hours later, I just found my pill on the ground. What did I swallow? FML

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Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML

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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 14:42 schreef krapula het volgende:
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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 00:28 schreef Bolter het volgende:

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 18:36 schreef Afwazig het volgende:

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 10:37 schreef r8ality het volgende:

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Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

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Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was gay. The executor read it out loud. My mom was the only one who knew. FML

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Op zaterdag 13 juni 2009 19:22 schreef delano.888 het volgende:
F*** My Life
Dubbellll

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Today, I came home from work late (2:30am). As I snuck carefully into bed and laid down next to my sleeping future wife, my fiancee half awake said "No, no... Dan will be home soon." I am Dan. FML

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Today, my boyfriend of 4 years proposed to me. I wasn't expecting anything too romantic, but I would have liked something more than an email from facebook requesting my confirmation that we were engaged. FML

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Today, I was driving on the motorway when a cop car made me stop. It was a routine check and when they said "Have you been drinking?" of course I said no. To that, my 6 year old sitting in the back screamed "Yes he did! He's lying I saw him drink!" I had drunk a milkshake. FML

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Today, I was reading through a local wedding mag's advice page. A mother in law to be was writing about how to handle wanting her son to break off his engagement. I thought, "Wow. That must suck. I'm glad I like my mother in law to be." And then I saw her name. FML

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Today, I had sex with this guy i really like for the first time. After, we were laying in bed listening to music. When the song finished he leaned over and said, "You know what you and that song have in common?" I smiled and said, "What?" He replied with, "You just got played, get out of my bed." FML

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Today, I got prostate examination for the first time. Now I can't decide what's worse, the fact that I got a boner when the doc inserted his finger, or the fact that my wife told the story to pretty much everybody we know. FML

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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 16:16 schreef padlarf het volgende:

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[ afbeelding ]

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Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

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Op maandag 15 juni 2009 09:06 schreef hipy123 het volgende:

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Driedubble tvp

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Op maandag 15 juni 2009 09:31 schreef jitzzzze het volgende:

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Stomme newbie

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Op maandag 15 juni 2009 08:10 schreef jitzzzze het volgende:
Die laatste

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Today, after buying the plane ticket to Glendale, CA to visit 17 year old Courtney who I met on a dating website, she called me for the first time to say that she was actually 19 year old Seth from Atlanta, GA. FML

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Today, my grandpa died. I decided to call my grandma to make sure she was going to be fine. After talking over the phone for 30 minutes or so, I told her goodbye and said, out of habit: "Say hi to grandpa for me". FML

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Today, I had a horribly realistic dream where I was being robbed and had to swallow my wedding ring to save it. After waking up, I realized my wedding ring is in fact gone. The doctor assures me that I will have it back in a day or two. FML

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 14:43 schreef Wackyduck het volgende:

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