F*** my life

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 14:47 schreef Dawnbreaker het volgende:

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 15:07 schreef BroesWillems het volgende:

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ander krijg je eelt op je handen...

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Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML

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Today, I was babysitting a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. I asked her, "Do you got your bag?" And she said, "No. I have my bag. Babies say got. I'm a big girl." I am 20 years old and in the honors program in my college. I was corrected by a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. FML

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 15:47 schreef krapula het volgende:

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 15:05 schreef padlarf het volgende:
wtf, waar heb je hand lotion voor nodig dan?

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Today, I was at a 21st birthday party. It got to the bit where they blow out the candles and the girl hosting blew out her candles. While she was blowing I whispered to the fella next to me, "That's not the only thing she will be blowing tonight". The guy next to me was her dad. FML

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 18:52 schreef krapula het volgende:

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Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

Today, I was at a professional hockey game. I wasn't paying attention and a puck was shot into the stands and hit me in the face. My mouth was bleeding and I lost two teeth. As I was trying to cough up my teeth the old man next to me shoved me over and stole the puck. Everyone cheered. FML

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Today, my mom asked if I wanted to come to dinner with my parents and my grandparents who are in from London. When we got to the restaurant, there was a wait. My mom made me walk home because they could get a table quicker for a group of four than a group of five. FML

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Today, I had a food allergy test done because of an ugly acne upswing. And after over a year of vegetarianism, I find out that I'm allergic to soy. FML

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Today, it was my girlfriends birthday. To surprise her, I told her that I was going away on business, and could not be there on her birthday. When I show up at her house to surprise her with a present and cake, she opens the door in her underwear, beside a man in his boxers. She was surprised. FML

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 10:00 schreef padlarf het volgende:

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AHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!!!

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 10:37 schreef r8ality het volgende:

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.

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Today I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment and I told her I didn't have a condom. She responded by laughing in my face and upon realizing my look of confusion said "Oh, you actually thought I'd have sex with you?" FML

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Today, I was setting up my laptop's fingerprint scanner. It worked, but in the name of science, I decided to put my penis on it to see if it could recognize it. When I was trying to login via my penis print, my mom walked in. FML

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Today someone found a picture of me playing chess, on the internet, now I can't show my face on my favourite forum anymore. FML

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 18:36 schreef Afwazig het volgende:

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 10:54 schreef BigKahuna het volgende:

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Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 10:00 schreef padlarf het volgende:

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AHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!!!

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 19:28 schreef MadGuy het volgende:

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Awh!