F*** my life

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Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They decided it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML

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Today I had an important interview. On the way there, I stopped in front of a car window to look at my reflection, checking I didn't have salad stuck between my teeth. Having pulled several faces, I realised that there were two girls inside the car, cracking up with laughter. FML

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Today, I received a list of employee names who were losing their jobs and I had to remove them from the system as I work for IT. I was on the list. That's right. My last responsibility as an employee was removing myself from the system for security reasons. FML

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Today, I was finally going to Best Buy to get The Sims 3. I was so excited to get it that I ran to the back of the store to get it, and tripped over a little boy in the process, which made me stumble into a CD rack and knock it over. Which made the rest of the CD racks fall over like dominoes. FML

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Today, a really cute guy sat across from me on the bus. He smiled at me, then tensed his muscles and lifted a heavy bag with one arm. Thinking he was trying to act "macho" to impress me, I rolled my eyes and threw him an annoyed/disgusted look. When he got off, I realized he only had one arm. FML

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 18:36 schreef Afwazig het volgende:

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Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I went to go have a look and she was pretend cooking. When I asked what she was making she said "look mommy, chocolate!" and stuck her finger in my mouth. It wasn't chocolate. FML

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Today, I woke up a little after seven. I felt sick to my stomach because last night was my bachelor party and I drank more than I ever have before. I checked my phone, and I had received 42 missed calls. It was seven o'clock pm. Today was my wedding day. FML

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 18:35 schreef zjroentje het volgende:
Als ik ff niks te doen heb, is dit echt een prachtige site om te lezen.


Today, I was setting up my laptop's fingerprint scanner. It worked, but in the name of science, I decided to put my penis on it to see if it could recognize it. When I was trying to login via my penis print, my mom walked in. FML

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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 00:28 schreef Bolter het volgende:

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On my last birthday I was in my bedroom waiting for the first familymember to come over. In the time I had to wait I decided to watch some pornographic material I had on my computer. When removed my pants and started playing with myself, all of the sudden my grandma walked in, and asked me to come downstairs.
I quickly pulled up my pants and walked down the stairs with her, hoping she didn't see anything.
When we entered the room, my whole family was already there and my grandma told everyone she found me in my room looking at pictures of aunt Nellly. FML

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Today, while walking down the street, a homeless man walked up to me. He opened his mouth to say something and I immediately said that I didn't have any spare change because I was late for work. He then said "I was gonna ask you for the time, dickwad". Apparently he wasn't homeless. FML

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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 00:16 schreef Jimbo het volgende:

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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 02:07 schreef krapula het volgende:
Today, while walking down the street, a homeless man walked up to me. He opened his mouth to say something and I immediately said that I didn't have any spare change because I was late for work. He then said "I was gonna ask you for the time, dickwad". Apparently he wasn't homeless. FML
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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 23:41 schreef Black-Death het volgende:
roflmao
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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 00:28 schreef Bolter het volgende:

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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 13:21 schreef Silver92 het volgende:
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 13:21 schreef Silver92 het volgende:
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

___________!

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Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 00:16 schreef Jimbo het volgende:

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Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML

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Today, I was at this awesome party and I was dancing with this really attractive girl who started making out with me all of a sudden. Five minutes later, my friend told me that the girl had just given him a blowjob. FML

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Today, half asleep, I dropped my pill before I could take it. I quickly picked it up and washed it down. Five hours later, I just found my pill on the ground. What did I swallow? FML

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Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML

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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 14:42 schreef krapula het volgende:
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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 00:28 schreef Bolter het volgende:

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 18:36 schreef Afwazig het volgende:

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Op woensdag 10 juni 2009 10:37 schreef r8ality het volgende:

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Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

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Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was gay. The executor read it out loud. My mom was the only one who knew. FML

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Op zaterdag 13 juni 2009 19:22 schreef delano.888 het volgende:
F*** My Life
Dubbellll

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Today, I came home from work late (2:30am). As I snuck carefully into bed and laid down next to my sleeping future wife, my fiancee half awake said "No, no... Dan will be home soon." I am Dan. FML

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Today, my boyfriend of 4 years proposed to me. I wasn't expecting anything too romantic, but I would have liked something more than an email from facebook requesting my confirmation that we were engaged. FML

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Today, I was driving on the motorway when a cop car made me stop. It was a routine check and when they said "Have you been drinking?" of course I said no. To that, my 6 year old sitting in the back screamed "Yes he did! He's lying I saw him drink!" I had drunk a milkshake. FML

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Today, I was reading through a local wedding mag's advice page. A mother in law to be was writing about how to handle wanting her son to break off his engagement. I thought, "Wow. That must suck. I'm glad I like my mother in law to be." And then I saw her name. FML

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Today, I had sex with this guy i really like for the first time. After, we were laying in bed listening to music. When the song finished he leaned over and said, "You know what you and that song have in common?" I smiled and said, "What?" He replied with, "You just got played, get out of my bed." FML

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Today, I got prostate examination for the first time. Now I can't decide what's worse, the fact that I got a boner when the doc inserted his finger, or the fact that my wife told the story to pretty much everybody we know. FML

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Op donderdag 11 juni 2009 16:16 schreef padlarf het volgende:

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Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

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Op maandag 15 juni 2009 09:06 schreef hipy123 het volgende:

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Driedubble tvp

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Op maandag 15 juni 2009 09:31 schreef jitzzzze het volgende:

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Stomme newbie

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Op maandag 15 juni 2009 08:10 schreef jitzzzze het volgende:
Die laatste

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Today, after buying the plane ticket to Glendale, CA to visit 17 year old Courtney who I met on a dating website, she called me for the first time to say that she was actually 19 year old Seth from Atlanta, GA. FML

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Today, my grandpa died. I decided to call my grandma to make sure she was going to be fine. After talking over the phone for 30 minutes or so, I told her goodbye and said, out of habit: "Say hi to grandpa for me". FML

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Today, I had a horribly realistic dream where I was being robbed and had to swallow my wedding ring to save it. After waking up, I realized my wedding ring is in fact gone. The doctor assures me that I will have it back in a day or two. FML

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Op maandag 8 juni 2009 14:43 schreef Wackyduck het volgende:

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