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DISCLAIMER: These products are not for sale, are not my own, and is merely a fan edit to satisfy my own desires.
Let me start this topic with some words of wisdom from the big man himself.
quote:
Second, I did my sweat. That's a technique I learned in Hollywood, where my scripts were always too long. "This is too long," the studio would say. "Trim it by eight pages." But I hated to lose any good stuff -- scenes, dialogue exchanges, bits of action -- so instead I would go through the script trimming and tightening line by line and word by word, cutting out the fat and leaving the muscle. I found the process so valuable that I've done the same with all my books since leaving LA. It's the last stage of the process. Finish the book, then go through it, cutting, cutting, cutting. It produces a tighter, stronger text, I feel. In the case of A DANCE WITH DRAGONS, my sweat -- most of it performed after we announced the book's publication date but before I delivered the final chapters -- brought the page count down almost eighty pages all by itself.
-George R.R. Martin
When I read these words, I couldn't quite believe it. Cutting? A tighter, stronger text? Where was this? I didn't sense any of this when I read this book, nor the one before it. So I took it upon my myself to do what George had only dreamed he did: actually editing A Dance With Dragons. Since A Feast For Crows and A Dance With Dragons are essentially one book, I have edited them together and bound them according to somebody else's incredibly useful chapter list, with some modifications toward the end. The result is a better, more focused text that not even George and his editors thought were possible, or at least I hope that is what I achieved, as I am no true editor the best I could do was cut things out and fill in the cracks with my own bad writing.
I intend for this to be an interactive thread. The editing is not done until we all say it is which is why I welcome all comments, whether positive or negative, on the things I've edited which I'll be narrowing down below. I would also like to hear what further edits you guys desire, while you read the edited version.
ON EDITING
While not every chapter has had chunks taken out of them, nearly all of them has had lines erased, catch phrases cut out, superfluous scenery removed or shortened (there's still much scenery to behold of course), extraneous details of of sub characters including what they're wearing and what they're eating, lists whether they be food, clothing, locations, wildlife, all those things have been reduced or outright removed, unnecessary disgusting content including mentions of urination and defecating, horrible sex scenes and bodily excretions, and questionable backstory of faraway places. Archaic words have also been modified to coincide with the earlier book, and I will run those down below. Aside from those, I will not running them down one at a time in my Master Edits, but they've all been dealt with as I saw them.
Words and Phrases and Repetitions, oh my!
Here I will rundown all the words and phrases I've modified/removed. I know many of you will be glad never to read these words/phrases ever again.
whilst=while
amongst=among
mayhaps=perhaps
must needs=needs
nuncle=uncle
serjeant=sergeant
Words are Wind=only one reference of this remains
...was/were not wrong=used alternatives
make/makes/made no matter=used alternatives
Character specific catch-phrases=reduced as needed
(V. 1.1)...and-ten, and-twenty, etc=replaced with real numbers
Master Edits
Tyrion
-removed Tyrion's time with the whores, both of them. this was a personal call mostly, but I felt it was a disservice to his character. more believable to abstain from whores than to seek them out to punish them
-shorted conversations with Illyrio to the bare essential, as well as the journey from Pentos. No more potty breaks.
-reduced time spent on the Shy Maid. No more turtle watching
-cut out the giant turtle god, the stone hand and the time loop in the river. these are all supernatural occurrences while not only out of place, but are completely unremarked.
-no cyvasse game on Selhorys, nothing more but a recap of things we already know. goes straight to the brothel and to capture, no sex
-significantly reduced Tyrion's captivity with Jorah. instead of spending a night, all occurs in one day, from Tyrion's capture straight to the meeting with Vagarro's Whore
-shorter boat ride, only one storm
-no jousting with Penny. another personal call, and one I think serves his character. not to mention its just a stupid scene
-no cyvasse game with Brown Ben, straight to announcing their jousting match in Meereen. Tyrion learns of Brown Ben another way
-cut out waiting in line for the well, just a bunch of conversations with no name characters
-straight to the armory after signing the contracts, more conversations with no names
Daenerys
-Hizdahr does not make his first plea to open the fighting pits
-removed her chapter with Xaro Xaon Daxos. the tenuousness of her rule is better conveyed through later chapters than having it explained to her one at a time. no lasting consequences
-completely decimated Daario from all relevance. now a side character, as he should remain
-cut out her trip to feed the Astapori. She is already stupid, the story is served better without this level of stupid and there are no major consequences.
-no embarrassing and repetitive dialogue with Grolio
-gets married in the same chapter it is announced, merging two chapters into one
Jon
-cut out the parallel sections with Samwell, as well as his meeting with Gilly, to preserve the "shock" when Samwell discovers the switch. Nothing significant is lost
-removed the infamous refrigerator scene
-removed most run-ins with Bowen Marsh. We get it, you do not like how Jon runs things.
-several meetings have been removed, keeping only the most essential, to enhance the flow of Jon's chapter
-no transition to Jon taking to take their vows
-removed the wildling parade
Cersei
-strangely enough, little and less was removed from these chapters. will need help with this
-no more myrish swamp
-removed the "recaps" from her first Dance chapter, as F and D are now one book
(V. 1.1)-removed the prophecy. Made it so Cersei's descent into madness is entirely driven by Joffrey's death and her mistrust of the Tyrell's
Brienne
-shortened her stay in most places, cutting out the boring things she does there, as well as scenery
-shorter travel
-cut out the meandering on the way to the Quiet Isle
-(1.2) less wandering with Meribald
Jaime
-removed his own funerals scenes. Cersei's is enough
-his detective work with the goalers. What we needed to know we already learned from Cersei
-removed the long section where he went to fetch Ser Ilyn
-shorter travel
-shortened several meetings with characters
-cut out the council meeting during the siege of Riverrun. Mostly just banter with no actual decision made.
-deployed Jaime's terrible Dance chapter to the seven hells. It is a bewildering place for his arc to end, and not to mention relentlessly dull. Moved the Brienne cameo to the end of his Feast chapter, making her appearance at Riverrun
Theon
-took out half of his wanderings around Winterfell, which I viewed as repetitive
-removed the one to one with Lady Dustin in the crypts. I am conflicted about this, but have decided that the scene is mostly unnecessary. Perhaps Ned's bones will play a major role somehow, maybe, maybe mostly not, and I can't really imagine how knowing Brandon is an asshole matters all.
-(1.3) included the secret Winds chapter. As this chapter was literally ripped out of Dance by our favorite editor, occurs before the last chapters, and offers some small bit of resolution and maybe even some excitement for the next book, I saw no reason not to include it, if only as an added treat.
Quentyn
-removed ALL CHAPTERS. All that he learns and sees are shared by other characters, especially Daenerys, Barristan and Arianne. The "shock" of Doran's plan is secure with his chapters gone.
Arya
-no major edits, just removal of descriptions here and there
Sansa
-(1.2)Sansa II was broken. Sorry about that.
-removed the overlong bargaining scene between Sansa and Robert in her 3rd chapter. Now begins outside, before leaving the Eyrie
Samwell
-shortened the boat rides
-The fat pink mast is no more.
Barristan
-nothing major, removed some instance where his mind wanders
Davos
-removed 1st chapter, as it offers nothing but recaps and a red herring. Moved pertinent data to 2nd chapter, which has been mostly sheared as well.
-cut out storytime with his goalers, as it mostly halted the tension of his impending execution. Cut them out to fix that.
Bran
-no major edits. Solid chapters, and short enough.
Asha
-mostly shortening, but removed her sex scene
-took out the feast in her last chapter, found it odd how Justin Massey was so quick to declare himself a coward in a room full of loyal soldiers, and the dialogue advanced nothing
Victarion
-removed his last Dance chapter due to sheer pointlessness. Moved details of the dragon horn to the chapter before. A better ending I say.
Arianne
-took out Arys Oakheart's chapter, for obvious reason. Moved pertinent dialogue to Arianne's first chapter
-shortened her captivity in the tower, and removed the back and forth with her handmaids.
Connington
-just minor edits
Aeron
-nothing major, though I wish there was for this guy is damn boring
Areo
-ditto on this guy
THE NUMBERS
A Feast For Crows and A Dance With Dragons combined
Unedited
Word Count: 711,000
Page Count: 1,470
After Editing
Word Count: 530,000
Page Count: 1,109
Content Removed
Word Count: 181,000
Page Count: 361
Percentage: 25%
Sadly, I did not reach my goal of whittling it down to 450,000 words, which might be publishable without the appendix as A Storm of Swords is 422,000 words with the appendix, but perhaps we may reach that number yet with further editing.
[ Bericht 0% gewijzigd door Nagil op 10-04-2012 16:58:15 ]