F*** My Life

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Op woensdag 8 juli 2009 10:26 schreef -Willempie- het volgende:

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Today, I gathered both mine and my girlfriend's families secretly to a restaurant. I paid the restaurant to play romantic music, and paid for the best table available. As soon as we finished our meal, our families gathered around and I proposed. She laughed and said no way. FML

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Today, I found out that not only has my father been cheating on my mother with another woman, but they have a child together with the same name as me. FML

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Today, I drunkenly made out with my 65 year-old married female boss. I'm a 21 year-old male intern. I have a feeling work will be awkward tomorrow. FML

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Today, I was having breakfast when my mom's boyfriend came and sat right across from me. He didn't try and hide the fact that he was staring at my chest and told me, "Wow, you're getting bigger." I glared at him. He winked at me. FML

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Today, while in the shower, my roomates thought it would be really funny if they threw my cat in with me. The doctor who gave me the stitches also thought so. FML

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Today, I saw my girlfriend going into my best friend's dorm room and suspected her to cheat on me so I placed a camera in his room to spy on them. In the end, I discovered that my girlfriend has problems in math and both my best friend and brother are gay. FML

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Today, I was listening to music while my grandma and mom were in the same room. I only had one headphone in. My mom, thinking I had both in, started telling my grandma how much of a "little bitch" I am. My grandma went on to say, "She's also a slut." FML

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Today, I saw my girlfriend going into my best friend's dorm room and suspected her to cheat on me so I placed a camera in his room to spy on them. In the end, I discovered that my girlfriend has problems in math and both my best friend and brother are gay. FML

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Op zondag 19 april 2009 21:42 schreef svefn het volgende:
ik kom er na een stuk of 50 van die dingen gelezen te hebben, pas achter dat elke begint met 'today'



die zou ik eigenlijk op die site moeten posten

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Op zondag 19 april 2009 21:42 schreef svefn het volgende:
ik kom er na een stuk of 50 van die dingen gelezen te hebben, pas achter dat elke begint met 'today'



die zou ik eigenlijk op die site moeten posten

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Op donderdag 20 augustus 2009 19:06 schreef Trafasi het volgende:
Today, me and my boyfriend were having sex. After 10 minutes, when we change the position he shouted: "Power Rangers - Transform!" FML

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Today, I saw a video of me last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" naked. FML

SPOILER

Om spoilers te kunnen lezen moet je zijn ingelogd. Je moet je daarvoor eerst gratis Registreren. Ook kun je spoilers niet lezen als je een ban hebt.

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Today, I was eating with a friend while walking on the sidewalk. A couple of pigeons were bothering us so I threw a fry onto the street. As a flock of pigeons were gathering around the fry, a truck drove by. Only four survived. FML

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Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling in bed. After looking at me for a while he said, "you look better when I'm not wearing my contacts". FML

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Today, my girlfriend jumped, naked, onto my computer desk, with the intention of having sex on it. A new, £250 computer desk, broken beyond repair. And we didn't even have sex. FML

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Op vrijdag 21 augustus 2009 01:17 schreef Graseter het volgende:
Oud topic ?

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Today, my boyfriend threw me a going-away party. During the party, I caught him in my bedroom hooking up with my friend because "you're leaving soon anyway so it doesn't matter." I'll only be gone for 6 weeks. FML

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Today, my ex showed up at my door with chocolates and flowers. I've liked him since I was 13, starting dating him when I was 15. He proposed when I was 22. I am now 24, and yesterday was our wedding day. He didn't show. FML

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Op zaterdag 22 augustus 2009 10:50 schreef 2cv het volgende:
Gevalletje van vergissing in de dag en een zwaar overtrokken reactie van die muts (lijkt mij).

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Op zaterdag 22 augustus 2009 11:46 schreef Mikkie het volgende:

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Als je je vergist in je trouwdag ben je wel een enorme droplul. Dat bestaat niet.

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Today, my ex showed up at my door with chocolates and flowers. I've liked him since I was 13, starting dating him when I was 15. He proposed when I was 22. I am now 24, and yesterday was our wedding day. He didn't show. FML

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Op zaterdag 22 augustus 2009 14:07 schreef Magic-IRC het volgende:

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Ik ben het niet met jou eens:
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Ze zijn intussen gescheiden, na hooguit 2 jaar getrouwd te zijn.
Wie gaat er dan op de trouwdag zelf (terwijl je intussen gescheiden ben) nog bij je ex langs?

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Op zaterdag 22 augustus 2009 14:09 schreef Mikkie het volgende:

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Ik lees het anders: vanaf haar 13e vond ze hem leuk, vanaf haar 15e een stelletje, op haar 22e heeft hij haar gevraagd. Nu is ze 24 en zouden ze gisteren eindelijk gaan trouwen, maar daar is ie dus niet op komen dagen. En daarom is het nu dus haar ex.

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Op zaterdag 22 augustus 2009 14:09 schreef Mikkie het volgende:

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Ik lees het anders: vanaf haar 13e vond ze hem leuk, vanaf haar 15e een stelletje, op haar 22e heeft hij haar gevraagd. Nu is ze 24 en zouden ze gisteren eindelijk gaan trouwen, maar daar is ie dus niet op komen dagen. En daarom is het nu dus haar ex.

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Today, there was a car taking up 3 spaces. I left a note on the windshield that said "I hope your children come out retarded." As I was walking back, I saw the owner of the car loading her crippled son into the backseat, she needed the extra room to maneuver his wheelchair up into her car. FML

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Gisteren kreeg ik een smsje van een jongen die ik al een tijdje leuk vind. Er stond in dat hij mij ook erg leuk vind, maar dat hij dat niet durfde te vertellen. Ik stuurde heel blij terug: “Ik vind jou ook hartstikke leuk!” Waarom ik terug kreeg: “Oww, sorry, ik heb ‘t smsje naar de verkeerde gestuurd!” MDWK

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Op dinsdag 6 oktober 2009 22:33 schreef Saucijzenbroodje het volgende:
Lekkere bump van een maandje.. Heb nu ook een Nederlandse ontdekt: www.mijndagwas.nl

Staan wel een paar leuke tussen:
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Today, I got an email from the company that manages my Cat's microchip informing me that I had to update my information that had been entered by the local Humane Society. Apparently, they listed my cat "Coral" as the owner, and me as the pet. To change it, they needed the cat's signature. FML

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Op dinsdag 6 oktober 2009 23:20 schreef Editeur het volgende:
Kut kick

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Vorige week vertelde een vriend op MSN dat zijn vader overleden was. Ik wilde als antwoord een “wink” sturen van een huilend poppetje. Ik klikte per ongeluk verkeerd, en verstuurde een dansend varken. MDWK

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Op woensdag 7 oktober 2009 06:34 schreef Bart het volgende:

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Welnee, iedere kick herinnert mij eraan weer eens een kijkje te nemen op FML, en dan lig ik weer in een deuk

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Op vrijdag 9 oktober 2009 03:55 schreef Editeur het volgende:

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Klopt, wil gewoon een beetje stoer doen op internet

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Op dinsdag 6 oktober 2009 22:53 schreef DeHovenier het volgende:

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Today, I stopped at the light when someone crashed on to my motorcycle making me fall. The guy claimed it was my fault because I stopped too fast. I got really mad, so I attempted to spit on his face and was ready to start a fight when I noticed that I forgot to lift the helmet shield. FML

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Today, we were doing stretches in dance class where you are on your hands and doing the splits in the air while your partner helps hold you and stretch your legs further. Right as I lift my left leg up, I farted hugely right in my partner's face. I couldn't make eye contact for the rest of class. FML

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Today, my little sister was playing with her building blocks. All of a sudden, she began to cry and held her finger out to me. Assuming she had hurt it, I kissed it better, and tasted something odd on my lips. Turns out she wasn't hurt, she was crying because she had touched cat vomit. FML

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Today, I found out that the student tutor my son advised me to hire was my son's girlfriend. I have been paying her $20 an hour for the last 3 weeks to make out with my son in his room. FML

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Today, I found out that my sister who is 16 years older than me is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML

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Today, I found out that my parents are 28,000 dollars in debt and that my bank account has $27.17 in it. They took my money to help pay their debt. FML

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Today, I ordered a chicken sandwich. I was starving and it was the fastest thing to order. Half way through it, I found something which does not belong, and removed it. It was half a cockroach, and I don't know where the other half is. FML

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Op vrijdag 9 oktober 2009 10:07 schreef Bart het volgende:

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Op vrijdag 9 oktober 2009 11:21 schreef TimKuik het volgende:

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Haha, die middelste, wat een koning!

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Op zaterdag 10 oktober 2009 19:52 schreef JawohlNein het volgende:

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Haha, ik heb speciaal een account aangemaakt om te zeggen dat "de middelste" van 6 niet kan.. Tel ik het nog eens na en waren het er 7.. Maar je hebt gelijk, die is geniaal!

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Op zaterdag 10 oktober 2009 19:52 schreef JawohlNein het volgende:

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Haha, ik heb speciaal een account aangemaakt om te zeggen dat "de middelste" van 6 niet kan.. Tel ik het nog eens na en waren het er 7.. Maar je hebt gelijk, die is geniaal!

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 12:45 schreef Editeur het volgende:

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Je gaat te fur

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 14:42 schreef powerlite het volgende:

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whoah nog een persoon die "te fur" zegt

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 15:14 schreef Editeur het volgende:

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OMQ, weve got a connection, you and I. Vrienden?

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 15:14 schreef Editeur het volgende:

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OMQ, weve got a connection, you and I. Vrienden?

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 16:02 schreef powerlite het volgende:

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ja graag! eindelijk sociaal contact ongekend voor Fokkers

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 16:52 schreef Casino.Bob het volgende:

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fags

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 18:13 schreef powerlite het volgende:

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ah voel je je achtergesteld? *knuffel*

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 20:26 schreef neo2000 het volgende:

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Today, i was online at a forum i hang out a lot since I have no real life. Since i'm having difficulties making a real life connection with someone, I was overjoyed someone seemed to be into the same things as I was for a change. That is, until someone made a stupid remark at us in the middle of our conversation. Turns out the other guys' gay and was only interested in having suprise buttsecks with me. FML.

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 20:26 schreef neo2000 het volgende:

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Today, i was online at a forum i hang out a lot since I have no real life. Since i'm having difficulties making a real life connection with someone, I was overjoyed someone seemed to be into the same things as I was for a change. That is, until someone made a stupid remark at us in the middle of our conversation. Turns out the other guys' gay and was only interested in having suprise buttsecks with me. FML.

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Vandaag reed ik in de auto naar m’n werk. Ik hoorde iemand achter me toeteren dus ik toeterde boos terug en stak mijn vinger uit. Eenmaal aangekomen op mijn werk vroeg mijn baas waarom ik mijn vinger naar hem opstak, terwijl hij mij groette. MDWK

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Vorig weekend had ik een date naar de bioscoop. In de pauze ging ik naar de WC. Toen ik terugkwam was ze weggegaan. MDWK

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Today, I had a UTI and the doctor said the medicine can sometimes make you leak a little. "Leak a little" apparently translates into peeing all over myself, my boyfriend, and his bed while we were sleeping. The doctor also said this medicine can stain your urine a beautiful, bright orange color. FML

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Today, my girlfriend's mother called me to tell me she didn't appreciate our "public amorous behaviour" at the local food court. I didn't go out all day. FML

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Op zondag 11 oktober 2009 20:26 schreef neo2000 het volgende:

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Today, i was online at a forum i hang out a lot since I have no real life. Since i'm having difficulties making a real life connection with someone, I was overjoyed someone seemed to be into the same things as I was for a change. That is, until someone made a stupid remark at us in the middle of our conversation. Turns out the other guys' gay and was only interested in having suprise buttsecks with me. FML.

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Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML

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Op dinsdag 13 oktober 2009 13:12 schreef BazzieK het volgende:

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Op dinsdag 13 oktober 2009 13:12 schreef BazzieK het volgende:

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Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML

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Today, after spending the night at my boyfriend's house, I was heading out the door when he called me back to hand me something I had left at his house a while ago. It was one of my bras. It wasn't until I got home I noticed the cup size was a B. I'm a size D. FML

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Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML

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Op dinsdag 13 oktober 2009 23:04 schreef DeHovenier het volgende:

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Die snap ik niet. Of zijn nieuwe gf gaat vreemd?

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Op dinsdag 13 oktober 2009 23:08 schreef aight1 het volgende:

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Z'n (ex-)vrouw wou blijkbaar niet bij hem in bed slapen, dus verzon ze dat hij snurkte zodat hij ergens anders moest slapen

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Op woensdag 14 oktober 2009 15:15 schreef haakon het volgende:
Met carnaval in Duitsland hadden we van een Duitse vrouw haar hoofddeksel afgepakt, een fiets gestolen en een groot verkeersbord met lampen meegenomen. De terugweg werden we aangehouden door de politie.. voor het hoofddeksel. MDWG

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Op woensdag 14 oktober 2009 15:21 schreef Suusje-V het volgende:

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Waar staat MDWG voor?
En wat is de Nederlandse site dan?

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Op woensdag 14 oktober 2009 15:47 schreef haakon het volgende:
Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML

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Op woensdag 14 oktober 2009 15:54 schreef Bart het volgende:

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Waarom kopieer je de 2e post van dit topic?

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Today, I woke up to find my parents singing happy birthday with lots of hugs and kisses. My birthday is next week. FML

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Today, I woke up to find myself drenched in piss after a long night of drinking. I immediately sprang into action, tossing my bedding in the washer and hopping into the shower. Running late for work, I threw on a nice dress and got into my car. Guess who also peed in the drivers seat? FML

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Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

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Today, I was on Tiger TV, our high school's monthly TV program which was shown at lunch today. I was being interviewed and at one point the reporter made me laugh. I have a goose laugh so everyone in the lunch room started laughing. Then they played it in slow motion. Twice. FML

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Today, I stepped out of a bar in order to make a phone call. While I was outside, the bouncers arrived and ropes were put up. They wouldn't let me back in, claiming I was too young and they hadn't seen me come out. I was celebrating my 26th birthday, the legal drinking age is 18. I also have a beard. FML

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Op zondag 13 december 2009 13:37 schreef DeHovenier het volgende:
Goede kick man
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Today, I finally finished vacuuming my downstairs. Instead of finding the wall outlet and unplugging the vacuum, I triumphantly tugged the cord from across the room to release the plug from the wall. It flew at me at top speed and hit me in the face. FML

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Today, I dropped my pencil in Bio and I leaned over to attempt to pick it up. Next thing you know it I tipped the desk over and I crashed onto my crush's lap with my face in his crotch. FML

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Today, my colleague rushed off to the hospital for the birth of his first son. Having met his wife at the Christmas party a couple of years ago, I called to congratulate her. Shame I didn't realize it was his mistress having the baby. Guess who broke the news to the wife? FML

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Vandaag ging ik naar de dokter voor mijn jodokus. Daar aangekomen zegt de dokter: “Hier is mijn assisente.” De assisente komt eraan en wat blijkt: Het was m’n zus. MDWK

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Op zondag 13 december 2009 13:43 schreef powerlite het volgende:

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was dat nou sarcastisch?
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Op zondag 13 december 2009 13:47 schreef vosss het volgende:

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Whehehehe

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Today, I found out the weekly coffee talks my husband was having with his ex-girlfriend stopped involving coffee about 2 years ago. FML

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Today, my boyfriend asked me why I chose to date him. After going on for five minutes about how unique and funny he is, I ask him the same question. His reply? "You were the first person to ask me out." He then rolled over and fell asleep. FML

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Today, I got a new smart phone and wanted to surprise my girlfriend with a naughty picture with it. A few minutes after sending it, I got a reply back from my girlfriend. And my best friend. And my sister. And everyone on my contacts list. FML

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Today, I was sitting on the couch with my 5 year old on my lap. All of a sudden, she turned to me and said, "Daddy, I love your boobies. They're a good pillow." My own kid just called me fat. FML

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Today, I was standing in a long line at the Post Office when my 3 year old son starts rubbing up and down my leg. I asked him what he was doing and he said loudly. "I'm humping you like Simon humps me!" Everyone looks at me in shocked horror. Simon is our dog. FML

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Today, I posted a note on Facebook about a weird dream I had about my ex-boyfriend, where I made out with him, then it transitioned into a vampires vs. werewolves battle. My ex private messages me and says there's a better chance of a vampires vs. werewolves battle than us ever making out again. FML

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Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date, destination unknown. I dressed up, he had a tux on. We went to McDonalds. FML

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Op maandag 11 januari 2010 20:23 schreef Trafasi het volgende:

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Op dinsdag 12 januari 2010 00:46 schreef Lindgren. het volgende:
Vandaag was ik in een serieus gesprek met een vriend, over mijn ex die het vorige week uitgemaakt had. Ik zat bijna te huilen, toen hij opeens zei: “Wist je dat Hitler maar 1 bal had?” MDWK

Held

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Op zaterdag 16 januari 2010 15:05 schreef Editeur het volgende:

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MaakMeDoodKlootzak?

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Op zaterdag 16 januari 2010 15:15 schreef Lindgren. het volgende:

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Ja, dat lijkt inderdaad bijna op de afkorting MDWK. Mijn Dag Was Kut.

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Today, at a bar, a woman approched me and tried to set me up with her friend. Looking around, the only people in the bar were a man reading the paper and a very ugly woman, looking at me and smiling. I worriedly replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay." Turns out her friend was the one reading the paper. FML

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Today, I was with my friends at Burger King. While we were eating, I placed my cellphone on the tray, not realising that I'd left it there until after I emptied my tray into the bin. When I got it out of the trash, it was covered in soggy, sticky garbage. FML

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Today, I found some pictures of the boy I have a crush on online. Not only is he a crossdresser, but he's also a better looking woman than I am. FML

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Today, my girlfriend asked me "is it in yet?". FML

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Op zaterdag 16 januari 2010 16:02 schreef Roi het volgende:

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Today, I realized that one of the people I was friends with on Facebook had a profile picture where the background was my living room. She's never been to my house, and I live alone. I'm scared. FML

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Today, I spent the day studying with one of my classmates whom I've just met. While studying, she kept bragging about her boyfriend and decided to show me a picture of him. It was my boyfriend. FML

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Today, I realized why my husband had been seemingly wanting to improve our relationship by sending little texts throughout the day for the last couple of months, asking what I was doing. It was so he could find out when would be the best time to have his girlfriend over and cheat on me. FML

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Op zaterdag 16 januari 2010 18:59 schreef Lindgren. het volgende:
Deze heb ik ingestuurd
http://www.mijndagwas.nl/3003

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Op zaterdag 16 januari 2010 18:59 schreef Lindgren. het volgende:
Deze heb ik ingestuurd
http://www.mijndagwas.nl/3003

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Op zaterdag 16 januari 2010 19:12 schreef powerlite het volgende:

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fake?

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Op zaterdag 16 januari 2010 19:16 schreef Annnet het volgende:

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Je krijgt wel lieve reacties.

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Op zondag 19 april 2009 21:42 schreef svefn het volgende:
ik kom er na een stuk of 50 van die dingen gelezen te hebben, pas achter dat elke begint met 'today'



die zou ik eigenlijk op die site moeten posten