Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
Chuck Norris once kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he kicks you in the face.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried censuur's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
In an average living room there are 1242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like censuur.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
F.K.A. SuperwormJim