Track 4Birdy noises! Special guest appearance by Sounds of the Forest Relaxation Tape. Okay, we’re a minute into the song, I’m done with the fucking sounds of the forest, thank you very much. Let’s just get this song started so we can get it over with. It’s a bit like being in the dentist’s waiting room: you just want the real pain to begin so you can stop anticipating the pain. Okay, three minutes in, still no song, now I know they’re just fucking with me. Show yourselves,
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! I hear you hiding out there in the bushes, waiting to attack with more god-awful song! Well, three minutes and forty five seconds, still noise. I think I can hear the computer from the original Star Trek in the background, though. You know, the noise that went “bweeweewee…. bweeweewee.” It’s there. Four minutes in, there’s a hint of guitar, finally. Not that I want to hear more spectacular
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guitar, but I’m tired of being so bored by this song. Four fifteen, some brass comes in. That’s ambitious at least, it makes it sound like the soundtrack to a psychedelic western.
Okay, the singer is singing in a really high squeal, and I instantly miss the forest noises and Star Trek computer. I’m six minutes in, out of thirteen. However, this is the last over-ten-minute track on the album, so at least the rest of the crap I hear will be in bite-sized crap-memes. Look up the lyrics to this song, guys, they’re comically bad. I don’t know whether it’s a blessing or a curse that this song has traded in head-splittingly obnoxious noise for pure tedium. Eight and a half minutes in, it picks up for about thirty seconds and then gets dull again. Eight and a half minutes is a long time to wait for such a crappy climax. Okay, the song is boring again, so pardon me while I go on a strange interlude: imagine somebody playing this in their car. That would be pathetic. Imagine someone cruising the streets with their windows down and the
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blasting out of their whip. If they wanted to impress anyone with their stereo, they’d have to drive around the block five times until they had something other than static, snatches of Tijuana brass, or forest noises. Eleven and a half minutes in, there’s some marvelously annoying distorted hissing. Thank you for that,
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, you’ve won me over with your “textures” and your “structures.” You know what else has textures? An iguana, and those motherfuckers will whip the shit out of you with their tails. And you know what else has structure? A nazi death camp, you anti-semites. Okay, I’m rambling because I’m bored. Did I mention this song is thirteen minutes long?