Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
En hier het volledige script.
Crevice is... but security isn't.
quote:Vooruit, jij wint
Op donderdag 17 juli 2003 11:03 schreef DennisMoore het volgende:[..]
Dat ene zinnetje wist ik er zonder google ook nog wel uit te persen
.
Het Duitse lied natuurlijk niet.
Die duitse versie is idd erg... apart 
quote:niet gehoord... post hem maar
Op donderdag 17 juli 2003 13:00 schreef basket.case het volgende:
en wat dachten jullie van de speech van John Cleese op de begrafenis van Graham Chapman.... De beste speech ooit!!!
Receptionist: Yes, sir?
Man: I'd like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
Man: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what is the cost?
Receptionist: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
Receptionist: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
Man: Thank you.
(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
Mr Barnard: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Man: Well, I was told outside that...
Mr Barnard: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
Man: What?
Mr Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
Man: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Mr Barnard: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
Man: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Mr Barnard: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
Man: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Mr Barnard: Not at all.
Man: Thank you.
Mr Barnard: (Under his breath) Stupid git!!
(Man walks down the corridor)
Man: (Knock)
Mr Vibrating: Come in.
Man: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr Vibrating: I told you once.
Man: No you haven't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I have.
Man: When?
Mr Vibrating: Just now.
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: You didn't
Mr Vibrating: I did!
Man: You didn't!
Mr Vibrating: I'm telling you I did!
Man: You did not!!
Mr Vibrating: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
Man: Oh, just the five minutes.
Mr Vibrating: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man: You most certainly did not.
Mr Vibrating: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
Man: No you did not.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: You didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Did.
Man: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.
Man: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: It is!
Mr Vibrating: It is not.
Man: Look, you just contradicted me.
Mr Vibrating: I did not.
Man: Oh you did!!
Mr Vibrating: No, no, no.
Man: You did just then.
Mr Vibrating: Nonsense!
Man: Oh, this is futile!
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: I came here for a good argument.
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: It can be.
Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't!
Man: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: It is.
Mr Vibrating: Not at all.
Man: Now look.
Mr Vibrating: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
Man: What?
Mr Vibrating: That's it. Good morning.
Man: I was just getting interested.
Mr Vibrating: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
Man: That was never five minutes!
Mr Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.
Man: It wasn't.
(Pause)
Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
Man: What?!
Mr Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
Mr Vibrating: (Hums)
Man: Look, this is ridiculous.
Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Man: Oh, all right.
(pays money)
Mr Vibrating: Thank you. (short pause)
Man: Well?
Mr Vibrating: Well what?
Man: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
Mr Vibrating: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Man: I just paid!
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.
Man: I DID!
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.
Man: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
Mr Vibrating: Well, you didn't pay.
Man: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I got you!
Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.
Man: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
Mr Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man: Oh I've had enough of this.
Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.
Man: Oh Shut up.
(Man walks down the stairs. Opens door.)
Man: I want to complain.
Complainer: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
Man: No, I want to complain about...
Complainer: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
Man: Oh!
Complainer: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.
(Man slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)
Man: Hello, I want to... (Spreaders hits man on the head) Ooooh!
Spreaders: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again. (He hits him again.)
Man: Uuuwwhh!!
Spreaders: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
Man: No.
Spreaders: Now.. (He hits him)
Man: Waaaaah!!!
Spreaders: Good, Good! That's it.
Man: Stop hitting me!!
Spreaders: What?
Man: Stop hitting me!!
Spreaders: Stop hitting you?
Man: Yes!
Spreaders: Why did you come in here then?
Man: I wanted to complain.
Spreaders: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
Man: What a stupid concept.
Detective Inspector Fox enters.
Fox: Right. Hold it there.
Man and Spreaders: What?
Fox: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Fox of the Light Entertainment Police, Comedy Division, Special Flying Squad.
Man and Spreaders: Flying Fox of the Yard?
Fox: Shut up! (He hits the Man with a truncheon.)
Man: Ooooh!
Spreaders: No, no, no! 'Waagh'!
Fox: And you! (He hits Spreaders)
Spreaders: Waagh!
Fox: He's good! You could learn a thing or two from him. Right, now you two me old beauties, you are nicked.
Man: What for?
Fox: I'm charging you two under Section 21 of the Strange Sketch Act.
Man: The what?
Fox: You are hereby charged that you did wilfully take part in a strange sketch, that is, a skit, spoof or humorous vignette of an unconventional nature with intent to cause grievous mental confusion to the Great British Public.(to camera) Evening all.
Spreaders: It's a fair cop.
Fox: And you tosh. (He hits Man)
Man: WAAAGH!
Fox: That's excellent! Right, come on down the Yard.
Another Inspector arrives.
Inspector: Hold it. Hold it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Thompson's Gazelle of the Programme Planning Police, Light Entertainment Division, Special Flying Squad.
Fox: Flying Thompson's Gazelle of the Yard?
Inspector: Shut up! (hits him)
Fox: Waaagh!
Spreaders: He's good.
Inspector: Shut up! (hits Spreaders)
Spreaders: Oooh!
Man: Rotten. (he gets hit) WAAGH!
Inspector: Good! Now, I'm arresting this entire show on three counts: one, acts of self-conscious behavior contrary to the 'Not in front of the children' Act; two, always saying 'It's so and so of the Yard' every time the fuzz arrives; and three, and this is the cruncher, offenses against the 'Getting out of sketches without using a proper punchline' Act; four, namely, simply ending every bleeding sketch by just having a policeman come in and... wait a minute.
Another policeman enters.
Policeman: Hold it. (puts his hand on Inspector Thompson's Gazelle's shoulder)
Inspector: It's a fair cop.
A large, hairy hand appears through the door and claps the policeman on the shoulder.
Caption: 'THE END'
. Een van de meest briljante sketches! .
I like Chinese
from Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album
(spoken) The world today is absolutely cracked.
With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high.
There's fools and idiots sitting on the trigger.
It's depressing, and it's senseless, and that's why...
(singing) I like Chinese, I like Chinese,
They only come up to you knees,
Yet they're always friendly and they're ready to please.
I like Chinese, I like Chinese,
There's nine hundred million of them in the world today,
You'd better learn to like them, that's what I say.
I like Chinese, I like Chinese,
They come from a long way overseas,
But they're cute, and they're cuddly, and they're ready to please.
I like Chinese food,
The waiters never are rude,
Think the many things they've done to impress,
There's maoism, taoism, eging and chess.
I like Chinese, I like Chinese,
I like their tiny little trees,
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their ying and yang-eze.
I like Chinese thought,
The wisdom that Confucius taught,
If Darwin is anything to shout about,
The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt.
So, I like Chinese, I like Chinese,
They only come up to you knees,
Yet they're wise, and they're witty, and they're ready to please
Wo, I chumba run, Wo, I chumba run, Wo, I chumba run, Ne hamma,
Ne hamma, Ne hamma chi chen.
I like Chinese, I like Chinese,
They're food is guaranteed to please,
A fourteen, a seven, a nine and li-chese
I like Chinese, I like Chinese,
I like their tiny little trees,
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-eze
I like Chinese, I like Chinese, (fade out....) .
Ximinez: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?
Wilde: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!
[JARRING CHORD]
[Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions]
Biggles: Here they are, lord.
Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Wilde: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!
[Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture]
Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.
Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!
[JARRING CHORD]
[Zoom into Fang's horrified face]
Fang [terrified]: The...Comfy Chair?
[Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one]
Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!
[They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair]
Ximinez [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, to Biggles] Is that really all it is?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess
Biggles: I confess!
Ximinez: Not you!
quote:Misschien zou iedereen dit topic eerst eens door moeten lezen. Zou een hoop dubbele posts voorkomen....
Op donderdag 17 juli 2003 13:09 schreef metalheadBOC het volgende:
niet gehoord... post hem maar
Elk jaar Towel Day!(2)](3)
Dommage arachide-fromage
Let that be a warning to you all. You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good shot. I practise every day...well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week. I expect I must practise, oh, at least four or five times a week...or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit. I should say it's a solid four days' practice a week...At least...I mean...I reckon I could hit that tree over there. Er...the one just behind that hillock. The little hillock, not the big one on the...you see the three trees over there? Well, the one furthest away on the right...
The elm?quote:Op vrijdag 14 mei 2004 11:11 schreef DennisMoore het volgende:
Well, the one furthest away on the right...
No. What's the... the one like that with the leaves that are sort of regularly veined and the veins go right out with a sort of um... serrated edges...quote:Op vrijdag 14 mei 2004 11:43 schreef Frollo het volgende:
The elm?
Customer (Terry Jones): (entering the bookshop) Good morning.
Proprietor (John Cleese): Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
C: Er, yes. Do you have a copy of "Thirty Days in the Samarkind Desert with
the Duchess of Kent" by A. E. J. Eliott, O.B.E.?
P: Ah, well, I don't know the book, sir....
C: Er, never mind, never mind. How about "A Hundred and One Ways to
Start a Fight"?
P: ...By?
C: An Irish gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment.
P: Ah, no, well we haven't got it in stock, sir....
C: Oh, well, not to worry, not to worry. Can you help me with "David
Coperfield"?
P: Ah, yes, Dickens.
C: No....
P: (pause) I beg your pardon?
C: No, Edmund Wells.
P: I... *think* you'll find Charles Dickens wrote "David Copperfield", sir....
C: No, no, Dickens wrote "David Copperfield" with *two* Ps. This is
"David Coperfield" with *one* P by Edmund Wells.
P: "David Coperfield" with one P?
C: Yes, I should have said.
P: Yes, well in that case we don't have it.
C: (peering over counter) Funny, you've got a lot of books here....
P: (slightly perturbed) Yes, we do, but we don't have "David Coperfield"
with one P by Edmund Wells.
C: Pity, it's more thorough than the Dickens.
P: More THOROUGH?!?
C: Yes...I wonder if it might be worth a look through all your "David Copper-
field"s...
P: No, sir, all our "David Copperfield"s have two P's.
C: Are you quite sure?
P: Quite.
C: Not worth just looking?
P: Definitely not.
C: Oh...how 'bout "Grate Expectations"?
P: Yes, well we have that....
C: That's "G-R-A-T-E Expectations," also by Edmund Wells.
P: (pause) Yes, well in that case we don't have it. We don't have anything
by Edmund Wells, actually: he's not very popular.
C: Not "Knickerless Knickleby"? That's K-N-I-C-K-E-R-L-E-S-S.
P: (taciturn) No.
C: "Khristmas Karol" with a K?
P: (really quite perturbed) No....
C: Er, how about "A Sale of Two Titties"?
P: DEFINITELY NOT.
C: (moving towards door) Sorry to trouble you....
P: Not at all....
C: Good morning.
P: Good morning.
C: (turning around) Oh!
P: (deep breath) Yesss?
C: I wonder if you might have a copy of "Rarnaby Budge"?
P: No, as I say, we're right out of Edmund Wells!
C: No, not Edmund Wells - Charles Dikkens.
P: (pause - eagerly) Charles Dickens??
C: Yes.
P: (excitedly) You mean "Barnaby Rudge"!
C: No, "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens. That's Dikkens with two Ks, the
well-known Dutch author.
P: (slight pause) No, well we don't have "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens
with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author, and perhaps to save time I
should add that we don't have "Karnaby Fudge" by Darles Chickens, or
"Farmer of Sludge" by Marles Pickens, or even "Stickwick Stapers" by Farles
Wickens with four M's and a silent Q!!!!! Why don't you try W. H. Smith's?
C: Ah did, They sent me here.
P: DID they.
C: Oh, I wonder...
P: Oh, do go on, please.
C: Yes...I wonder if you might have "The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys
Stoutpamphlet and her Intrepid Spaniel Stig Amongst the Giant Pygmies of
Beckles"...volume eight.
P: (after a pause for recovery) No, we don't have that...funny, we've got a lot
of books here...well, I musn't keep you standing here...thank you,--
C: Oh, well do, do you have-- ---\
P: No, we haven't. No, we haven't. |
C: B-b-b-but-- |
P: Sorry, no, it's one o'clock now, we're |
closing for lunch-- |
C: Ah, I--I saw it-- |-------loud arguments
P: I'm sorry-- |
C: I saw it over there! I saw it... |
P: What? What? WHAT?!? ---/
C: I saw it over there: "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds".
P: (pause; trying to stay calm) "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds"?
C: Yes...
P: O-L-S-E-N?
C: Yes....
P: B-I-R-D-S??
C: Yes.....
P: (beat) Yes, well, we do have that, as a matter of fact....
C: The expurgated version....
P: (pause; politely) I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that...?
C: The expurgated version.
P: (exploding) The EXPURGATED version of "Olsen's Standard Book of British
Birds"?!?!?!?!?
C: (desperately) The one without the gannet!
P: The one without the gannet-!!! They've ALL got the gannet!! It's a
Standard British Bird, the gannet, it's in all the books!!!
C: (insistent) Well, I don't like them...they wet their nests.
P: (furious) All right! I'll remove it!! (rrrip!) Any other birds you don't
like?!
C: I don't like the robin...
P: (screaming) The robin! Right! The robin! (rrrip!) There you are, any
others you don't like, any others?
C: The nuthatch?
P: Right! (flipping through the book) The nuthatch, the nuthatch, the
nuthatch, 'ere we are! (rrriiip!) There you are! NO gannets, NO robins,
NO nuthatches, THERE's your book!
C: (indignant) I can't buy that! It's torn!
P: (incoherent noise)
C: Ah, I wonder if you have--
P: God, ask me anything!! We got lots of books here, you know, it's a
bookshop!!
C: Er, how 'bout "Biggles Combs his Hair"?
P: No, no, we don't have that one, funny!
C: "The Gospel According to Charley Drake"?
P: No, no, no, try me again!
C: Ah...oh, I know! "Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying".
P: No, no, no, no, no,...What? WHAT??????
C: "Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying".
P: "Ethel the Aa--" YES!!!YES!!! WE'VE GOT IT!! (throwing books wildly about)
I-I've seen it somewhere!!! I know it!!! Hee hee hee hee hee!!! Ha ha hoo
ho---WAIT!! WAIT!! Is it?? Is it??? (triumphant) YES!!!!!! Here we are,
"Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying"!!!!! There's your book!!
(throwing it down) Now, BUY IT!!!
C: (quickly) I don't have enough money.
P: (desperate) I'll take a deposit!
C: I don't have ANY money!
P: I'll take a check!!
C: I don't have a checkbook!
P: I've got a blank one!!
C: I don't have a bank account!!
P: RIGHT!!!! I'll buy it FOR you! (ring) There we are, there's your change,
there's some money for a taxi on the way home, there's your book, now, now..
C: Wait, wait, wait!
P: What? What?!? WHAT?!? WHAT???!!
C: I can't read!!!
P: (staggeringly long pause; very quietly) You can't...read. (pause) RIGHT!!!
Sit down!! Sit down!! Sit!! Sit!! Are you sitting comfortably???
Right!!! (opens book) "Ethel the Aardvark was hopping down the river valley
one lovely morning, trottety-trottety-trottety, when she might a nice little
quantity surveyor..." (fade out)
.quote:Op vrijdag 14 mei 2004 12:59 schreef Frollo het volgende:
C: Er, how about "A Sale of Two Titties"?
P: DEFINITELY NOT.
.
quote:Host: Good evening and welcome to 'Stake Your Claim'. First this evening we have Mr Norman Voles of Gravesend who claims he wrote all Shakespeare's works. Mr Voles, I understand you claim that you wrote all those plays normally attributed to Shakespeare?
Voles: That is correct. I wrote all his plays and my wife and I wrote his sonnets.
Host: Mr Voles, these plays are known to have been performed in the early 17th century. How old are you, Mr Voles?
Voles: 43.
Host: Well, how is it possible for you to have written plays performed over 300 years before you were born?
Voles: Ah well. This is where my claim falls to the ground.
Host: Ah!
Voles: There's no possible way of answering that argument, I'm afraid. I was only hoping you would not make that particular point, but I can see you're more than a match for me!
Host: Mr Voles, thank you very much for coming along.
Voles: My pleasure.
quote:Host: Next we have Mr Bill Wymiss who claims to have built the Taj
Mahal.
Wymiss (Eric Idle): No.
Host: I'm sorry?
Wymiss: No. No.
Host: I thought you cla...
Wymiss: Well I did but I can see I won't last a minute with you.
Host: Next...
Wymiss: I was right!
Host: ... we have Mrs Mittelschmerz of Dundee who cla... Mrs
Mittelschmerz, what is your claim?
Mittelschmerz (Graham Chapman in drag): That I can burrow through an elephant.
Host: (Pause) Now you've changed your claim, haven't you. You know
we haven't got an elephant.
Mittelschmerz: (Insincerely) Oh, haven't you? Oh dear!
Host: You're not fooling anybody, Mrs Mittelschmerz. In your letter
you quite clearly claimed that ... er ... you could be thrown off
the top of Beachy Head into the English Channel and then be
buried.
Mittelschmerz: No, you can't read my writing.
Host: It's typed.
Mittelschmerz: It says 'elephant'.
Host: Mrs Mittelschmerz, this is an entertainment show, and I'm not
prepared to simply sit here bickering. Take her away, Heinz!
Mittelschmerz: Here, no, leave me alone!
(Sound of wind and sea).
Ook wel erg gaaf
.
We was too late. The Reverend Grundy bit the ceiling.quote:Op woensdag 9 maart 2005 22:45 schreef DennisMoore het volgende:
Don't say the text, vic, don't say the text!
.
(De staf die begint te knipperen: Hello? '... What?... We'll be right over!)
.
Welke ik ook erg leuk vind is de scene met de 4 australische 'Bruces'.
|
|
