Mwoehahaha, dat stukje ook op
Gofugyourself 
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Happy Fug Year
FELIZ AÑO NUEVO, AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!
And welcome to my TRIUMPH! Yes, that's right, niños, I danced and sang in the RAIN. It was pouring like Blahfleck after half a flight of stairs up in this joint! Do you know the bravery it took, amigos? I am freaking MOTHER COURAGE. Madre del Coraje! But I could not let down my public. You were one giant mega-block, and I was your Jenny, and if I did not parade in front of you like the gleaming constellation, flashing my Ursa Major all up in your grills, you would have started 2010 weeping like when I walked up to Ryan Seacrest in dress rehearsal and asked him where I could find a Big Dipper, and then Marc showed up and I said, "Ah, just kidding, Ryan Seacrest, he is right here," and then Ryan Seacrest ran away sobbing! Because I am so funny! Haahahahahahaaaa! Although he did mutter something about, "Even Orion had a BELT," and so I think he must have been upset about his accessories?
But let us not dwell on tiny weepers, America! It is a new decade! I feel so... so...
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FREEEEEE! To celebrate, how about a tall drink of BOOB SWEAT? Just kidding! HA! For one thing, I do not sweat, I leak "Live By Jennifer Lopez," available now at quality retailers. For another, I do not sweat. So it is not boob sweat that you see there under the Gemini; it is RAIN. Remember? About the hurricane in Times Square? Where I danced? Like a hero? I was Gene Kelly up in that joint, bitches, and my boobs were my reverse-umbrella. So you cannot bring me down with your talk of wet spots and waterproof weaves and whether Cameltoenius is a new Zodiac sign! I AM REBORN! I AM YOUNG! And not because of some ceremony where I prick my finger and bleed into a cup and then mix it with goat cheese and pickles and some fresh hair of ferret, and call it La Sangre de Awesome, as my Marc insisted I must do! HA HA, Marc-y Marc! I do not need your witch science to invigorate my Funky Bunch! And if you don't believe me, then you can KISS IT.
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BESAME where it counts, mi esposo! And Happy New Year, America! This is the greatest gift I could give to you. Please send thank-you notes to my agent.
Todo mi amor,
J.Lo
Ik adem in en kalmeer. Ik adem uit en glimlach.