Having deep thoughts on entheogens

I am so confused. I dont know what to do and what I want. Yesterday I felt as if I can choose another reality. But I wondered what will happen to my daughter then and to my mother. Do they exist at all? Will they dissolve as my presence in this world disappears? As soon as I choose to become one (light), will that make my history go away and unwrite the lines and lives of my mother, father and of course daughter? I felt that I hád to make a sound to keep being alive. I had to echo, I was afraid to keep silent as it gave me the idea that I will die then. And I dont want to die as long as I dont know what will happen to me and the ones I love. I felt that I could be gold or light, if only I let the lightning strike me. But I wouldnt let that moment happen. I saw the light trying to get in, but I thought that I would be losing myself, maybe I would become my daughter. Sometimes I also felt that I could get inside of my cat. I nearly felt as if I were him. As if I was mirroring him, but only when I remembered that I was not my cat I resisted to leave myself. I thought about the option of being free when I would let myself be my cat, but then I didnt know if I ever could go back to the being that I think I know I am. I felt that I could be really free, being light, but then I would stop echoing, stop breathing and music (as being my language) would seize for me to be heard, as I would transport the music. This was so much confusing me: do I want to spread the sound or do I want to create the sound? Spreading the sound I could be everywhere, but creating the sound I also liked for the feeling of power that comes with creation. I am still in doubt what option I want to choose. What do I want to be my reality? In what layer do I want to solidify? Also I got the idea that being light is so much easier, so much more pleasant as I would be pure joy to myself ánd to others. It felt like ecstasy and I almost forgot myself. I wanted to recreate myself, by moulding my face into another shape. I wanted to go into my heart, into myself, but then again, I thought I would die. I was really circling around that idea, it kept repeating itself over and over. I do want a change, that much is obvious, but I dont want to let go of the things I love. I want to keep the good things and let the bad things disappear. I could see that this world that Im dreaming of exists and it seemed to me that I was living in a dream within a dream within a dream. And that I choose to wake up in this body everyday, because my ego is attached to this body, this world, this life. I went back in a more conscious way to visions I had seen earlier in my dreams. As I experience these dreams as really experiencing the situations I live in them, I wondered if Im resisting to wake up in the dream that gives me much more pleasure for it is a more beautiful world. Am I sacrificing my daughter, my mother, my hopes for a family and so on, if I choose to live in that other dream world? Is this life that I call reality just a bad dream? And then what is reality actually? Do a father and mother exist? Or are they just a suggestion of my mind? But what then would that explain to me? Why is the concept of father so gone wrong in my life? I tried to pray, but to who should I pray when one has no belief but in oneself? At some point I found myself almost going crazy, sometimes almost merging with the couch I was lying on, or the blanket I lied beneath. Also then I remembered in time that I am something different, namely solid. I was in a continuous internal conflict about my being. I vaguely believed that I could be anything that I wanted to be, as well as that I could go through walls if I wanted to, but then again I feared that I wouldnt be able to go back to what seems familiar to me. There was something with liquid. Maybe I wanted to get rid of all liquid or I wanted to be liquid, I still cant understand, but again, fear held me back. I felt that I was not ready yet for a choice that devastating and challenging. Again I was in this struggle between being and proving. I felt that if I am, I wouldnt need to prove anything for I know I am all. But somewhere there was also the idea of rewriting the bible as a proof to myself what the truth is. But the truth is actually that I dont need to prove because I am the proof as soon as I stop proving Echo echo echo. Anyway I am still alive, so I will attempt to rewrite my own truth now. That is that sound and pulsation (is sound) are memories for myself that I am (alive). Without it, in a perfect silence, what will (I) be? Anything written is a proof of imperfection. Every word, every sound is a restriction of the truth. But how can truth be without any believers (life, breath, pulsation, sound)? Truth is mirror and I can be the mirror. But do I want to see or do I want to reflect? And here I went again, why would I want to live an imperfect life? Why would I want to go on seeing things I dont want to see, feeling things I dont want to feel, being something I dont want to be? But will the change that I want, imply death? In what manner will I die? Is it my ego or is it my world that changes? And if I change, am I rewriting history then? I want beauty, but do I want to create beauty, feel beauty or be beauty? What will my choice imply? This question I could really not find an answer to and therefore I will keep on searching for that answer so I can leave my world with the faith that the things I love will remain alive in and around me.
Just an addition to the experience I had last night. As the journey inside my head and thoughts started to unveil itself to me, I figured that I was extremely slowing down so I could see the layers of which my pattern consists. That pattern itself is beautiful (visually) but as soon as I halt indulging in the pleasure of beauty and start thinking, I see that I go in circles and I wonder if I am spiralling into a new direction alone by questioning if I want to be here and this. Some thinking about the processes going on in my mind made me think that I am living different lives at the same time (something my dreams show me as memories to myself that there are alternatives) and that I can choose to solidify (?) or manifest (?) myself inside another reality?

Veel vragen, hopelijk weet iemand een antwoord?

Reagerend opdegene die zei dat alles een projectie van de geest is, in die zin kun je dus ook veronderstellen dat de werkelijkheid waarin je denkt te leven slechts een schijnwerkelijkheid is. Als dat echt zo is, zou ik me mee laten voeren. Zo niet dan wil ik op safe spelen en in mijn vertrouwde wereld blijven. Vandaar mijn vraag of er mensen zijn die ervaringen hebben met deze materie.

Ben trouwens wel met iets bezig om uit te geven, maar deze ideeën zijn misschien wel te radicaal. Als mensen aangezet worden in de richting te denken zoals ik doe, zal deze planeet misschien wel wat leger worden...

Vind het aantal reacties trouwens wel teleurstellend. Had ik het dan toch onder "Uitgaan & Vrije Tijd" moeten plaatsen?

Ik vind het geen tru topic, hoewel het misschien wel onder vrije tijd geplaatst had kunnen worden. Zoals ik al zei is het filosofisch getint en juist vanwege een afwijkende gedachtegang iets naar tru verwensen vind ik te ver gaan.

Alle verhalen (uitgebreid) en bijbehorende gedachtenspinsels zijn uiteraard meer dan gewenst!