Aint life a bitch

Aint life a bitch.

As i sit here again on this cold night, i couldnt help myself from wondering how did my life end up here?
Where did all my dreams and expectations go? Will life remain the same rollercoaster of emotional ups and downs as it is
right now? I can't remember the past eight years to be how they should be. Or how should life be? Well
at least it shouldnt be like it is right now. I still don't know how i ended up here, why did i make the decicions i made?


People say within every choice you make there are three roads to pick. How should i picture myself this? Is it like there
are two roads that end up good, one road that makes your life fabulous, one road that makes your life acceptable..
Then there's the final road, the road that takes you to a life of total missery and unhappiness. Where the other two roads
blocked for me, or where they still in the making? Because it seems to me that i always choose the wrong road.
The road that had me ending up here...right now.

As a kid i always knew what i wanted to become, what i wanted from life.
I would picture myself beeing al grown up and having the job i wanted to, beeing happy and living the life i wanted.
Have kids, having the perfect family...

How come al that just seems so far away from me now? I'm having trouble putting effort
in the things i want to achieve. When i know very well one should fight to achieve things. Why do i feel like skipping
the fights and leave things like they are? Some people get high of life, and some people get tired of life. I know it's
what you make of your life that either makes it wonderfull and acceptable or makes it misserible. Why did i let myself make
it so damn misserable?

Again i keep saying why, why do i do the things i do. And i could say i don't know, but something in me tells me i know.
And i do know, and yet still i can't push myself to get over it. Here i am fighting for an relationship that other people
would concidere as a lost fight. And i still wont give up, or is it? Maybe i have give up on it allready, maybe im to scared
to take the step to say: "Hey this is where it ends." Fighting for a relationship is something normal, much people do that
actually, it's just the question, what are you fighting for? Is it worth fighting for, and can you actually achieve what
you are fighting for. Now see that's where it goes wrong, because my answer to this would be:"I dont know."

I dont wanna give up on life anymore. I want to achieve things in life, step over the past. And live on in the future.
But can you move on to the future if your past is still present?

As i look at what i wrote now, i see allot of question marks thru the entire text.
I think if i would change my life, allot of question marks would actually dissapear and make room for explanation marks
or just simple points.
I should gather my energy and start working on life as it should be. First things first, starting with my past.
How to get over that and move on. Second thing is making something of the present. Working things out like school,
social life and myself. Future ain't an option as i see now you should live day by day. And even tho i like to
plan things, life always makes a funny twist so you can't really trust on your plans anyway.

So how to start and how to fix..."Takes a deap breath" en zucht.
Zoveel te doen, so little time. Ain't life a bitch

zo wat een lap tekst ik moest het even kwijt