Nederlanders (in het buitenland?)

1) Witte sokken.
2) Slecht gekleed.
3) Goedkope schoenen.
4) Grote scheur.
5) Snel dronken en dan vervelend.
6) Weten alles, maar dan ook alles beter.
7) Lopen te preken over wat de mensen aldaar allemaal verkeerd doen.
8) Zijn er heilig van overtuigt dat ze hun talen absoluut beter spreken dan wie ook.
9) Kunnen niet tegen kritiek.
10) Wijs op de cent maar dom op de Euro.

Eigenlijk is er maar één ding erger dan een hotel vol Nederlanders en dat is een Hotel vol Engelsen.

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Op zondag 17 augustus 2003 16:26 schreef Rikku het volgende:
Rot op naar je eigen land dan mongool!

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quote:

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Op zondag 17 augustus 2003 16:29 schreef Ixnay het volgende:

[..]

Wat ben je toch optimistisch over je eigen volk.
Door mensen zoals jou, gaat het de klote op hier.

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1a. Which brings us to the topic of Germans. The Hollander has a weird relationship with the Germans, this is, contrary too popular believes very little to do with the war. For a long time during the last 50 years the Germans where more productive then the Hollanders, with a large industrial base and higher wages. The Hollanders do not like to see a nation with people very much like themselves doing a better Job then they do. However the real story is that the main difference between the Germans and the Hollanders is that Germans can handle their drink a little better, and the Hollanders make more noise. To make matter worse, the German economy has not done as well as the Hollandse for the last couple of years, and this made the Hollanders even worse. German tourist will not notice much of this, since tourists are there to rid them of there money. In fact kids are raised to learn German at a very early age. The first thing they learn is "Immer gerade Aus" which means, always straight ahead. This is to be told then to tourists who ask for directions, no matter what direction is asked.

2. Never ever try to speak Holland's even if you have lived in Holland for more than five years. Not only will it give you a splitting headache but also Hollanders won't understand a single word of what you are trying to say. Foreigners are expected to speak English or gibberish. Speaking gibberish they are easy prey for pickpockets since they can't make a report to the police. Even the slightest English accent will result in being spoken English to, this is a national conspiracy to make sure you will not learn proper Holland's and gives the Hollanders an opportunity to show they speak English.

3. Also never try to eat "drop". Drop is a kind of liquorice that only Hollanders can eat. It can be recognized by its colour: black. The taste is a cross between salted printer ink (blue) and earwax. Hollanders absolutely love it and eat kilos of the revolting stuff. There is a nation-wide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners who are tricked into believing it is edible.

4. Do not buy wooden shoes. They will look absolutely silly on you, which is of course, is the main reason for selling them to you in the first place. A Hollander himself wouldn't like to be found dead in them. (As a matter of fact, they wouldn't like to be found dead at all)

5. Do not make holes in dikes. Behaviour like that is not only frowned upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to death with wooden shoes by an angry mob. You may feel free however to stick a finger in any dike you like. It'll get you a few good laughs from the natives, although the dike might object an punch you in the face.

6. A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in the back of your mind it is easy to deal with most of them. If ever you get into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that he is absolutely right and that you see the error of your ways. This will drive him
absolutely crazy: Since you are a foreigner you can't be right. You agree with him. Therefore he also cannot be right. Impossible! He is a Hollander. But.. why.. he.. At this point you may want to stand back and watch him try to strangle himself with a tulip.

7. Windmills are unavoidable.

8. It is not necessary to show an interest in tulips, windmills, wooden shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows that you came for the soft drugs or the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes. Both are available in a large quantity and are easy to find. Ask any Hollander age six or older or any French tourist (see items 19 & 20)

9. Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost. Soccer in Holland is merely an excuse used for bashing in the brains of just about everyone else, including yours, after the game is won. ...Or lost...Or if it is a draw. It is also very unwise to stand near a policeman during these festivities. (See item 10) Also, whenever there's a Hollander around: "Don't mention the '74 final!" You'll end up in an ongoing discussion about how well the Orange team played and how marvellous it is that a small country like Holland has such a good team and blah-de-blah-de-blah.

10. Policemen in Holland may be used for throwing things at. If you feel like hitting someone or something, use a policeman. No Hollander will pay any attention if you decide to hit, maim, or kick a policeman in the groin. Policemen represent authority and no Hollander recognises any authority higher than himself. You may also note that a lot of Hollandse policemen are in fact foreigners, tricked into taking the job.

11. Hollanders do not like to spend money, they'd sooner cut off their own ears. A Hollander will become a friend for life if you give him something for free. (Note: Social diseases are an exception) This might explain the success of MacDonald's in Holland. The story that copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.

12. Holland is small. There is a rumour that Holland is put inside during rainstorms. Not true, but that is mainly because it rains about 365 days each year. This might also explain those wooden shoes: They float. Yes, Holland is small and Hollanders are proud of it. They will grab every opportunity to point out to you that the nation has accomplished great things, despite of it being so small. A suitable answer to this swank is the Hollander's imperialistic past. Which brings us rather nicely to item 13.

13. If you wish to insult a Hollander and sooner or later you will simply tell him you don't think he is a pacifist. Now immediately start running for your life. He'll want to prove to you that he is a peace loving person and he won't stop proving this until your intestines are scattered all over the floor. However, mentioning a supposedly imperialistic past considering Suriname and/or Indonesia, will instantly reduce a Hollander to a pathetic, sniffing and crying child, begging for forgiveness.

14. The Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. They are not. They simply make too much money from the sale of soft- and hard drugs, Malaysian women, and pornography to foreigners to let an opportunity for making a good profit go by.

15. The main form of public transportation in Holland is bikes. Feel free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock. Don't expect your own bike however to be where you left it three minutes earlier. The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year. Have fun.

16. At nearly every meal in Holland you will find a small vicious looking blade with a slit in it. It is called a kaasschaaf" and is used for taking very thin (the see-through kind) slices of the cheese. Yes, it is indeed an invention made by a Nederlander. Never cut cheese with a knife, you'll make an utter fool of yourself. Another peculiar dinner tool is the "flessenlikker", which literally means "bottle-licker", but which is best translated by "yoghurt-scraper". Note that this tool is not meant to get rid of an itchy back or for your nightly escapades. It's designed to clean out bottles of yoghurt or "vla" which is a sort of custard. The Nederlanders wants to use absolutely every millilitre of the yoghurt or 'vla' he bought. He paid for all of it and he'll jolly well eat all of it.

17. At the time of this writing, the Hollandse economy is doing quite well. The Hollanders say that this is the result of extensive negotiating between parties like the unions, the employers, and the government. They even have a name for this: The polder model. Foreigners are made to believe that this polder model is the key to a healthy economy and if others should follow this polder model, their economies will also improve dramatically. This is utter nonsense. Hollanders just love to talk and talk and talk. Calling al these talking negotiations only gives them a sense of doing something useful. Talk is not cheap in Holland.

18. Hollanders like to drown fried potatoes in litres of mayonnaise and put it in small paper bags. This is called "een patatje met". One of these bags can sustain life over an indefinite period. Not everyone agrees if it is the sort of life worth living. Some foreigners however are reported to have actually liked eating it.

19. Hollanders have a special and unique service for mainly French tourists. As soon as they cross the border between Belgium and Holland, they are welcomed enthusiastically by young men in fast cars. These young people wish to point out to the French tourist where the more interesting touristy places in Holland can be found. Strangely enough they always seem to end up in a coffee shop (see item 20). Funny people those French.

20. There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete fool of yourself in Holland: Enter a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino. Coffee shops do not, remember this, do not sell coffee. You can however get a good number of other stimulating drugs there. For some unknown reason coffee shops are extremely popular with French tourists.

21. A Fries (Friesland) is a semi-detached sort of Nederlander, living in the north of the country in a province all for himself. He is fond of frozen water, Beerenburg (which is a form of euthanasia with alcohol) and continuously pointing out to non-Fries Hollanders that they are indeed not Fries. The rest of the Hollanders look upon this behaviour with the good-natured ambivalent feelings that parents have for an obstinate child.

22. On the matter of what books to buy before you come to Holland. I can recommend the following: The complete works of William Shakespeare or a leather-bound volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica (the 1913 copy: Fr to He). In my experience these two books have just about the right weight for clubbing a pushy drug dealer or pimp on the head without leaving any marks. After hitting you might want to drop the book you were carrying at that moment for a more speedy retreat. Bring plenty of books.

23. Do not bother to hire a car. Not only can you steal more bikes than you will need, but traffic in Holland is not something you will enjoy. In the rest of the world traffic jams are measured in miles or kilometres, Nederlandse traffic jams are measured in weeks. As a matter of fact, the more persistent traffic-jams are well worth a touristic visit. The sight of starving people in an expensive Mercedes can be quite uplifting if you are of a philosophic nature. You may want to bring some pieces of bread with you to throw through open car windows. The resulting fights can often be worth watching.

24. Contrary to popular belief, you may not bring your mother-in- law to Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia. Tourists are warned not to take these matters into their own hands.

25. Whether you are catholic, Muslim or a worshipper of some unknown god, in Holland you are likely to run into a church, temple or oak-tree-and-virgin of your liking. Hollanders are supposed to be very tolerant of other beliefs, ways of life, and religious convictions. They are not. The only reason for there being so many different churches, sects and cults is the fact that Hollanders disagree on just about anything. A Hollander is always right (see item 6) and anyone who thinks different than him can jolly well bugger off and start his own church. This is not just the case with religion, but true for the whole of the society. The Hollanders are not tolerant; they just do not care.

26. Holland is a kingdom. It has no king but a queen and her husband is no king but a prince. The queen doesn't rule the country, well not much anyway, but she is very good at opening bridges, roads and visiting other countries. She is also very decorative at state banquets. Her son, the crown prince, will be king as soon as she stops queening. Now his wife won't be a queen but she will be a princess because Nederland is much too small for a king and a queen at the same time. On April the 30th its Queen's Day, which is not the birthday of the queen, but the birthday of Princess Juliana the queen's mother (who used to be the queen). It is no wonder that more and more Nederlanders wish to make Holland is a republic. Queen's Day, by the way, has nothing to do with royal festivities. It's just a Hollander's excuse to drink large quantities of alcohol. On Queen's Day Hollanders also sell garbage in the streets. And this is the real feast for the Hollanders; you can sell garbage and not pay taxes on the profits.

27. It might be wise to learn how to swim if you visit Holland. No, the dikes will hold, that is not the problem. The huge amount of ditches, moats, canals, rivers and brooks can however lead to mistakes. The shiny nice new asphalt road that you wish to drive your car on during a rainstorm, may in fact not be a road at all.

28. The Hollandse art. Most Nederlandse painters get to be famous only after they have died. That is a very sensible arrangement from the publics' point of view. Not only do you get large quantities of paintings, but it also makes a nice investment for art-lovers. The painters themselves do not share this view at all but are unable to do anything about it. In at least one case the frustration has led to self-mutilation involving an ear. Also note that they will speak on what painting is worth instead of how great the art is. The latter will only be done to drive up the price when somebody is selling it.

29. If one of your Hollandse friends invites you for a birthday party, prepare yourself for a unique experience. Unique, because it can only be compared to taking place on a wooden chair which has a sharp nail driven through the underside of the seat, and not being able to move for a month. More than one foreigner has been driven to the brink of insanity in just one evening. A Hollandse birthday party consists of sitting in a chair, talking to other Hollanders about your work, your car, foreigners and politics. You are expected to leave at 11 PM and you'll gladly do so. Also note that most people will bring a bottle of wine as a present, but will drink beer and there is never enough beer at a Hollandse birthday party, and they drink like fish.

30. Do not get sick in Nederland. Over the last ten years, the famous Hollandse healthcare has been privatised. These days some operations, like open-heart surgery, have a waiting list of more than six months. The doctors don't think that is a problem, "More than half of our patients for open heart surgery never even show up anyway" they say. Some Nederlandse patients, who have become desperate, move to a country like Mozambique, Iraq or Pakistan where healthcare is infinitely better.

31. Nederlanders leave their curtains open in the evening. This used to be so that the neighbours could always check if your family didn't gamble or drink alcohol. These days it is a precaution against junkies trying to steal the stereo from the family car, parked in front of the house. It has the fortunate side effect that you can watch Hollanders in their natural surroundings, in front of the television, watching soaps.

32. Holland has more cities than only Amsterdam. Like......... Well, it has!!

33. Hollandse beer has made quite a reputation for itself over the years. Some people even drink it. Brewing is indeed one of the things Hollanders traditionally do very well. Holland never used to be a country with anything more interesting to do than to drink oneself blind in new and interesting ways or make paintings. This made the beer industry very popular. Experts claim that once you have drank Hollandse beer like Heineken, Grolsch or Amstel, all other beers taste like the tap water in a Rotterdam hotel. They also used to distil beer, they call it Jenever, which is basically grain alcohol and distilled water. Being as simple a drink like this, nowadays most Jenever is synthetic, the alcohol (ethanol) as a side product from the huge petrochemical industry they run (see also 35).

34. Hollandse tap water is safe to drink. This is quite remarkable considering that most drinking water comes from polluted rivers like the Rhine. Plans to improve the quality of the river-water, so that fish like salmon will return to Hollandse rivers to spawn, can count on strong resistance from the Nederlanders. They don't like the idea of animals having sex in their drinking water.

35. Holland became rich in the 1600's when they thought that a good way to explore the west, by actually sailing to the west, which turned out to be right. Getting a hang of the exploring business they thought that it might be a good idea that if you wanted to explore the east, you would actually have to sail east, and this was also right. Within about 50 years after that the Hollanders had an empire that included Britain, (and it was in fact a Nederlander who was king of England at the time who, with a mercenary army occupied Ireland , not the English) large parts of North and South America, western, south and east Africa. India and Indonesia discovered Australia and New Zealand, and where the only ones allowed to trade with Japan until about 150 Years ago. Basically more than 70% of world trade (spice's, opium, grain, fish (see also 36) wood, metals, optics, pigments, slaves, cloth, fabricated goods, arms (see also 38), services, banking and fine arts to name but a few), was Holland's at that time. But still the Hollanders never became a great nation. This is mainly because the Hollanders never realised that the purpose of history is making history, not just making money. Also bare in mind that it was not the Hollandse government doing this but 2 companies, the VOC and the WIC. A remainder of this is the oil trade, basically all the oil in the world is traded either trough the OPEC or trough Holland.

36. Another fine example of Hollandse foodstuffs is Hollandse Nieuwe (Herring) which they eat raw. You can see little stands everywhere across Holland most of them are wooden carts. The have the raw fish there in little buckets (maatjes) and a "good" stand will clean one for you while you wait. They will remove the head, gut it and ask if you would like some raw chopped onions with that (Uitjes?). You can see the locals eating them, the fillets still attached to the tail where they hold it by. As with everything they are extremely proud of that. In fact the fish is not really raw, it is salted whole and half-digested by it own innards.

37. A Hollandse male will not give his girlfriend / wife a romantic present, like a ring. They will give something useful, like a Bike. (to do the shopping). This may sound a sexist remark, it is not, it is the way it is. Holland is the country with the lowest emancipation rate in the western world. During a survey in 2000 into girls and their career plans Turkish and Moroccan immigrant kids where more emancipated then there Hollandse counterparts. Most immigrant girls wanted to work and get a career, most Hollandse girls where talking Kids, getting arried and not work out of the house. This is largely to blame on Hollandse feminists who thinks emancipation is nagging on what complete Bastards men are blaming them for everything. Example, if a divorced woman does not have a job after the divorce, and gets social benefits, the ex-husband has to pay the welfare department for this. In other words he is to blame for the fact that his ex wife does not have a job (and of course for the divorce). This is what the Hollandse feminists achieved.

38. The Hollanders love to make a buck, as we stated earlier. A fine example for this is the indigence war against Spain. This war took 80 years. The main reason for this being that the Spanish where well supplied with the most modern arms. The reason for the Spanish having these arms is that they could afford to, and the Hollanders willing to sell them to Spain. In fact most of the riches that came from Latin America went into waging war armed with Hollandse weapons. Nowadays the Hollanders are still active in world arms trade, as one of the worlds biggest ammunition producers, and fire guidance systems.

37. There are more pigs then people in Holland. This is amazing if you realize there are 16 million people there and that the pigs meant here are the animal kind. Take 1 pig, go ahead. Feed it. Wait a moment. Wait another moment. If you observe closely, youll see two things happen. The pig gets a bit fatter. This is good. And there is some waste coming from the behind of the pig. This is bad. It stinks, it stinks a lot. Now multiply that stench 16 million times. It doesnt seen to bother Hollanders. This does not only prove that pecunia non olet (money doesnt stink) but it is also good for covering up a terrible stench. And ehyou get used to the stench. After a couple of weeks.

40. Nederlandse political debates are as boring as a 3-day lecture on famous Swedish sportheroes between 1762 and 1809.No shouting like Hear hear!!, no fistfights in front of a camera, not even politicians calling each other incompetent once in a while. (And there really are some amongst Nederlandse politicians). No, telling your opponent you have doubts about his policy is about the worst thing you can say. The result is that the interest for elections dropped drastically amongst Nederlandse voters. At the last voting only two elects showed up. The first one got lost on his way to the toilet and the second one was an illegal refugee who thought he came to the right place to get a visa.

41. Some Nederlanders have nationalistic feelings although will furiously deny this. They will point out to you that Holland has finished second in almost every war it has fought. Further more, the Hollandse national football team has won more medals for runner-up than any other nation. Even if Hollanders failed to win more Olympic Gold Medals than any other nation, they at least have the satisfaction of knowing they supplied the drugs to the countries who did. Which is enough to make one proud to be a Hollander.

42. Holland has almost no criminality, No problems there, Holland has a very low crime index. The reason for this is not that Hollanders are not as criminal as others but in Holland fewer things are considered a crime. This not only generates interesting new forms of income but it also saves on the workload of the police and our justice department. The only crime that is severely punished is speeding in your car. Exceeding the speed limit with only a few kilometers per hour is good for a considerable speeding ticket.