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Jack Facts! ![]()
* When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.
* If you mouth off to Jack Bauer, you will die of natural causes, because Jack will naturally kill you.
* If Jack on Lost's last name was Bauer, he would've killed "The Others," the polar bear, and the monster, and he would've gotten everyone rescued. However, the show would've lasted only one episode.
* If it was Jack Bauer's mission to return the One Ring to Mordor, the Lord of the Rings Trilogy had ended 535 minutes earlier.
* On the sixth day, God said "Let there be no Jack Bauer." On the seventh day, God was tortured.
* Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer's alarm clock screams out "THERE ISN'T ANYMORE TIME!"
* When Jack Bauer gets within ten miles of you, you automatically start sweating.
* Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
* Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
* Edgar Stiles had sex with seven different women last night by simply invoking Jack Bauer's name.
* Many people don't realize that "Bauer" is a name of Norwegian descent. It translates loosely to "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!"
* Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
* 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
* Jack Bauer dips his nachos in plutonium.
* If Jack Bauer were to fall into the ocean, he would not get wet, the ocean would get Jacked.
* Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
* Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
* Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
* Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
* Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
* Jack Bauer can kill people with his mind, he just enjoys shooting them instead.
* The Bird Flu almost made it to the United States. Luckily Jack Bauer was there to shoot and kill it.
* Jack Bauer refuses to impregnate anyone but himself. He says others DNA would make his children weak.
* When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.
* A "Bauer movement" is when you shit your pants after Jack Bauer shows up at your door.
* Jack Bauer doesn't have a cigarette after sex. He has sex again.
* The THX sound demo comes from Jack Bauer waking up in the morning.
* Jack could strangle you with his penis if he needed to save bullets
* Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Jack Bauer. Before his leg made it half way to Jack's face it was gunned off and Jack was already on his way to castrate Vin Diesel.
* Even if Red Bull does give you wings, Jack Bauer will keep you on the fucking ground
* You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
* Jack Bauer taught his kids to be potty trained by pointing a gun at their heads and strapping their arms to a nuclear device; they had 3 minutes.
* Jack Bauer once told God he needed access, the event has since been referred to as "The Big Bang".