[med] ongewone vragen die niet aan anderen gesteld worden

Don't Shave That Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!

Anus	dinsdag 27 december 2005 @ 17:55
	Jawel, daar zijn we weer ; weekenddienstje gedraaid en wederom weer een ervaring rijker. Loop ik dus zo door de wandelgangen, komt er ineens zo'n schoonmaakster op me af geslopen, beetje slinks om zich heen kijkend of andere mensen haar zien zo leek het en stelt me voorzichtig de vraag of ze me om advies mocht vragen. Natuurlijk mocht dat; in de lijn van mijn dagelijkse bezigheden verwachtte ik iets in de richting van buikkrampen o.i.d., maar tot mijn verbazing (en enig gevoel van hilariteit ontkwam ik echt niet aan) vroeg de dame in kwestie dus, of ze in het kader van baffen (jawel) het beste vooraf het konthaar kon afscheren ter bevordering van hygiëne ( ), tegenover de mogelijke negatieve bijwerkingen van het afscheren van dat haar voor de ex-eigenaar daarvan. Nu was dit natuurlijk al een hilariteit an sich; deze jongedame van in de 25 was namelijk een typische moslima van Marokkaanse afkomst (hoofddoek, uiterlijk, gebrekkig taalgebruik) en zoals velen weten houden die er nogal aparte opvattingen op na wat betreft hun derrière. Zelf kan ik niet zeggen dat ik afschrik van zulke dingen (in tegendeel ), maar dat soort dingen verwacht je niet van zulke mensen (ik niet in ieder geval). Maar het werd helemaal een dijenkletser (ja sorry ) toen ik mezelf dus hardop afvroeg of dames van Marokkaanse afkomst daadwerkelijk zoveel meer haargroei konden hebben aan de derrière dan Europese vrouwen (waarvan mijn zusje en ik toch wel goede voorbeelden en referentiepunten zijn ) en daarop het antwoord volgde, dat de vraag betrekking had op het konthaar van d'r man, eveneens van Marokkaanse afkomst. Het was goed dat ik i.v.m. de lange dienst niet al teveel make-up op had en dat gelukkig ook zeker niet nodig heb _{al zeg ik het zelf}, want de waterlanders sprongen echt in m'n ogen op dat moment, naast dat ik zowat in m'n broek stond te piesen van het lachen. Sorry, maar als je met mij over zulke dingen begint, dan raak je echt m'n gevoelige snaar en dan lig ik al snel te schuddebuiken Uiteindelijk heb ik me toch nog grotendeels in kunnen houden door rustig voor mezelf tot 10 te tellen terwijl ik veinsde even diep na te denken over gewichtige zaken en haar geadviseerd haar man eens te wijzen op de mogelijke gevolgen van het scheren van konthaar (jeuk, overmatig zweten, extra remsporen in de onderbroek, etc.), mede direct de link leggend naar een hilarisch verhaal op het internet (http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/35274458.html). Ik zag d'r diep nadenken en toen bedankte ze me op hele serieuze toon voor mijn 'oprechte advies.' Snel ben ik toen weggevlucht naar een medicijnkamer om even uit te lachen en bij te komen. Een paar minuten later ging m'n pieper af voor een geval op de EHBO waar ik even bij moest komen, volgens mij kwam ik daar nog aan met de tranen in m'n ogen van het lachen, maargoed Maar waarom stellen mensen dit soort vragen (met de wens tot een serieus antwoord) nou aan mij _{dat geweldige verhaal} quote: Don't Shave That Hair!!! I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
the900	dinsdag 27 december 2005 @ 17:57
	Anus, ik ga echt een keer een verhal;enbundel met al jouw topics maken.
Dirktator	dinsdag 27 december 2005 @ 17:57
	Ik vind leuke proza op internet en vervorm het zodanig dat het MIJN verhaal word.
Anus	dinsdag 27 december 2005 @ 17:59
	quote: Op dinsdag 27 december 2005 17:57 schreef Dirktator het volgende: Ik vind leuke proza op internet en vervorm het zodanig dat het MIJN verhaal word. Je mag dat best doen, maar het verschil is wel dat IK dit soort dingen echt meemaak en jij alleen maar kan lezen wat toffe mensen zoals ik meemaken.
the900	dinsdag 27 december 2005 @ 18:00
	quote: Op dinsdag 27 december 2005 17:59 schreef Anus het volgende: [..] Je mag dat best doen, maar het verschil is wel dat IK dit soort dingen echt meemaak en jij alleen maar kan lezen wat toffe mensen zoals ik meemaken. Ik ben jaloers op je
Anus	dinsdag 27 december 2005 @ 18:00
	quote: Op dinsdag 27 december 2005 17:57 schreef the900 het volgende: Anus, ik ga echt een keer een verhal;enbundel met al jouw topics maken. Dan moet je even aan die pipo's van dit forum vragen of ze de search-functie ook aanzetten voor topics die ouder zijn dan een jaar ; ik zat laatst ook al mijn eerste posts op dit forum te zoeken maar die kan ik niet meer vinden _{Zusje even om d'r oren slaan met wat voor streken ze me toen leverde}
Flurry	dinsdag 27 december 2005 @ 18:02
	en dat met zo'n nick
dr.dunno	dinsdag 27 december 2005 @ 18:03
	whehehe
Anus	dinsdag 27 december 2005 @ 21:12
	quote: Op dinsdag 27 december 2005 18:02 schreef Flurry het volgende: en dat met zo'n nick Dan kun je in ieder geval niet om me heen.
Poncho	dinsdag 27 december 2005 @ 21:51
	Ik begin nu toch te verlangen naar foto's van pas geschoren kontjes van moslimmannen. Kan Meki misschien even deze fantasie vervullen?
MissBliss	dinsdag 27 december 2005 @ 22:00
	quote: Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. OMG
Mute_Me	dinsdag 27 december 2005 @ 22:02
	Anus is back met weer een geniaal topic!
rutger05	dinsdag 27 december 2005 @ 22:22
	Grappig verhaal. Je maakt heel wat mee als proctoloog.
Steve	dinsdag 27 december 2005 @ 22:31
	Heerlijk topic weer. Altijd leuk om te lezen.
Steve	dinsdag 27 december 2005 @ 22:33
	quote: Op dinsdag 27 december 2005 17:57 schreef the900 het volgende: Anus, ik ga echt een keer een verhal;enbundel met al jouw topics maken. Topics geopend door Anus
buzzer	dinsdag 27 december 2005 @ 22:40
	---> GC dit is geen KLB topic..
Anus	donderdag 29 december 2005 @ 12:40
	quote: Op dinsdag 27 december 2005 22:40 schreef buzzer het volgende: ---> GC dit is geen KLB topic.. quote: Maar waarom stellen mensen dit soort vragen (met de wens tot een serieus antwoord) nou aan mij De klacht is er toch echt wel hoor.
sungaMsunitraM	vrijdag 30 december 2005 @ 00:46
	quote: Op dinsdag 27 december 2005 22:02 schreef Mute_Me het volgende: Anus is back met weer een geniaal topic! Anus
Anus	zaterdag 14 januari 2006 @ 17:48
	quote: Op vrijdag 30 december 2005 00:46 schreef sungaMsunitraM het volgende: [..] Anus Morgen nachtdienst, op de avond dat menig eenzame vrijgezel de hand (of stofzuiger) aan zichzelf slaat! Nieuwe ronde, nieuwe kansen
Nawien	zaterdag 14 januari 2006 @ 18:45
	Tis niet te hopen dat ze de hand aan zichzelf slaan , das namelijk een ander woord voor zelfmoord
Anus	zaterdag 14 januari 2006 @ 22:57
	quote: Op zaterdag 14 januari 2006 18:45 schreef Nawien het volgende: Tis niet te hopen dat ze de hand aan zichzelf slaan , das namelijk een ander woord voor zelfmoord No shit sherlock, ik had gedacht dat je de sarcastische contextuele ondertoon wel opgepikt had.