moppentrommel, deel 4

Superman was feeling bored after a long day of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls.
Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening".
So Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and flew off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said: "Did you hear something?" "No" said the InvisibleMan, "but my ass hurts like hell!"

Kees: Superman is dood.
Piet: Dat is niet zo super, man.

Loop ik over straat, kom ik ineens een bloed mooie meid tegen. Ik zeg tegen die meid: '' Met jou zou ik wel even naar bed willen.'' Waarop het meisje reageert: Ik ben een hoer.'' Waarop ik zeg: "Ik was ook niet van plan om te betalen.''

quote:

Op dinsdag 3 juli 2007 10:59 schreef Snakey het volgende:
Superman joke

Die is echt prachtig

quote:

Op dinsdag 3 juli 2007 10:59 schreef Snakey het volgende:
Superman was feeling bored after a long day of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls.
Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening".
So Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and flew off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said: "Did you hear something?" "No" said the InvisibleMan, "but my ass hurts like hell!"

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!" Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic Computer at TESCO Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer printed the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet

3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

Waarom steekt een belg zijn piemel in de pindakaas?

SPOILER

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Een schip lijdt schipbreuk en drie overlevenden zwemmen naar een dichtbijgelegen onbewoond eiland. De drie schipbreukelingen zijn een amerikaan, een belg en een japanner.

De amerikaan neemt de leiding en zegt tegen de belg: "Go find some wood". Tegen de japanner zegt hij: "Look for supplies".

Na enige tijd (de belg is al uren terug met hout) maakt de amerikaan zich zorgen en zoekt langs de kust naar de japanner. Wanneer hij onder een palmboom door loopt springt de japanner plotseling vlak naast hem en roept: "Supllies!"

HIHIH, TVP

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Op vrijdag 29 juni 2007 07:32 schreef Balthar het volgende:
Waarom hebben kippen geen neus?

Het snot zit al in de eieren.,

Waarom eet je die dingen dan nog

quote:

Op maandag 6 augustus 2007 15:12 schreef miodzio het volgende:
Een schip lijdt schipbreuk en drie overlevenden zwemmen naar een dichtbijgelegen onbewoond eiland. De drie schipbreukelingen zijn een amerikaan, een belg en een japanner.

De amerikaan neemt de leiding en zegt tegen de belg: "Go find some wood". Tegen de japanner zegt hij: "Look for supplies".

Na enige tijd (de belg is al uren terug met hout) maakt de amerikaan zich zorgen en zoekt langs de kust naar de japanner. Wanneer hij onder een palmboom door loopt springt de japanner plotseling vlak naast hem en roept: "Supllies!"

Die komt uit Yankovich's "The vidiot from UHF",
waar ie een duur open doet waar "Supplies" op staat en er allemaal jappen uit springen : "Supplise !"



Een beetje hetzelfde kaliber als toen ik in China op vakantie was en van iemand wou weten hoe het daar zat met de politiek, dus ik vroeg "Do you have elections here in China ?"
Waarop de chinees antwoorde "Yes sil, evely molning I have an election !"

Er komt zoeen jongen in paniek bij zijn oma naar binnen gerend en hij zegt zo van: Oma, oma Heeft u mijn pillen gezien? Ze zitten in een wit potje en er staat LSD op het etiket
Dat oma zo zegt: Pillen? Fuck je pillen. Heb je die draak in de keuken gezien?

Ik wil jullie allemaal waarschuwen voor een oplichtingstruuk.

Hij werkt als volgt:
Bij de P+R parkeerplaats in Utrecht staan twee jonge vrouwen die om een lift vragen.
Als je ze in je auto neemt gaat er één naast je zitten en één op de achterbank.
Vrij snel stelt degene naast je dat ze zin heeft in sex, en of je niet op een parkeerplaats kunt stoppen.
Als je dat doet begint ze je oraal te bevredigen, terwijl de ander ondertussen je portemonnee pikt.
Ik ben afgelopen maandag, dinsdag, woensdag en donderdag beroofd, maar op vrijdag en zaterdag kon ik ze niet vinden.

Net op de radio
Zoeen kerel komt thuis en ziet zijn vriendin haar koffer pakken. Wat doe jij nou? vraagt die kerel. Dat zie je toch, zegt ze. Ik ga weg; ik ben er net achter gekomen wat jij bent! Een vieze smerige pedofiel! Nou nou zegt die kerel, wat een groot en moeilijk woord voor een meisje van 7

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Op donderdag 12 juli 2007 20:42 schreef Dark_Prince het volgende:
Loop ik over straat, kom ik ineens een bloed mooie meid tegen. Ik zeg tegen die meid: '' Met jou zou ik wel even naar bed willen.'' Waarop het meisje reageert: Ik ben Geen hoer.'' Waarop ik zeg: "Ik was ook niet van plan om te betalen.''

Courtroom Dialogue...

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Lawyer: How old is your son? The one living with you.
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
Witness: We both do.
Lawyer: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Lawyer: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.

Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.

Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: She said 'What disco am I at?'

Lawyer: Mr. Smith, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget things.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?

quote:

Op maandag 20 augustus 2007 03:20 schreef zarGon het volgende:
OMG, die dialogen hierboven. . Whehehe. [afbeelding].

Die kende ik allang

Komt er een Man de kroeg binnen, gaat aan de bar zitten en roept:

"kastelein, drie bier en een witte wijn, Voor het gezeik begint".

Dus die kastelein zet hem daar 3 bier en een witte wijn neer, en die man slaat ze alle 4 zo achterover. Waarna die vent weer schreeuwt:

"kastelein, drie bier en een witte wijn, Voor het gezeik begint".

En zo gezegd zo gedaan, zet die kastelein dat er weer neer. Die man tikt ze alle 4 vervolgens zonder moeite weer weg. En weer roept 'ie:

"kastelein, drie bier en een witte wijn, Voor het gezeik begint". waarop de kastelein zegt: "he'j wel geld bij je!?"

"Godverdomme" zegt die man, "Daar begint het gezeik al!"

How to Deal with Telemarketers...

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . ." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends . . . would you be my friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

Lal die zijn goed !