Meaning of life, ziekenhuisdirecteur
Crevice is... but security isn't.
quote:Bugger off! I'm stuffed!
Op dinsdag 15 juli 2003 04:27 schreef Nimrod2253 het volgende:
Albatros!
Crevice is... but security isn't.
Undertaker: Morning.
Man: Good Morning.
Undertaker: What can I do for you, squire?
Man: Um, well, I wonder if you can help me. You see, my mother has just died.
Undertaker: Ah well, we can help you. We deal with stiffs.
Man: What?
Undertaker: Well, there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.
Man: Dump her?
Undertaker: Dump her in the Thames.
Man: What?
Undertaker: Oh, did you like her?
Man: Yes!
Undertaker: Oh well, we won't dump her, then. Well, what do you think? We can bury her or burn her.
Man: Well, which do you recommend?
Undertaker: Well, they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead, but quick. (the audience starts booing) and then we give you handful of ashes, which you can pretend are hers.
Man: Oh.
Undertaker: Or, if we bury her she gets eaten up lots of weevils, and nasty maggots, (the booing increases) which as I said before is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead.
Man: I see. Well, she's definitely dead.
Undertaker: Where is she?
Man: She's in this sack.
Undertaker: Can I have a look? She looks quite young.
Man: Yes, yes, she was.
Increasing protests from audience
Undertaker: (calling) Fred!
Fred's voice Yeah?
Undertaker: I think we've got an eater.
Man: What?
Another Undertaker pokes his head round the door.
Fred: Right, I'll get the oven on. (goes off)
Man: Er, excuse me, um, are you suggesting eating my mother?
Undertaker: Er ... Yeah. Not raw. Cooked.
Man: What?
Undertaker: Yes, roasted with a few french fries, broccoli, horseradish sauce ...
Man: Well, I do feel a bit peckish.
Voice From Audience: Disgraceful! Boo! (etc.)
Undertaker: Great!
Man: Can we have some parsnips?
Undertaker: (calling) Fred - get some parsnips.
Man: I really don't think I should.
Undertaker: Look, tell you what, we'll eat her, if you feel a bit guilty about it after, we can dig a grave and you can throw up in it.
A section of the audience rises up in revolt and invades the set, remonstrating with the performers and banging the counter, etc., breaking up the sketch.
Zoom away from them and into caption machine; roll credits. The National Anthem starts. The shouting stops. Mix through credits to show audience and everyone on set standing to attention. As the credits end, fade out.
.
[Dit bericht is gewijzigd door DennisMoore op 15-07-2003 12:33]
quote:Dit kwalificeert wel als zwarte humor denk ik
Op dinsdag 15 juli 2003 12:23 schreef Frollo het volgende:
Vooral dat grotdroge "She's in the sack"
.Any screenshot requests? 
.
quote:
Op zaterdag 15 juli 2000 16:32 schreef bixister het volgende:
en natuurlijk the Ministry of Silly Walks
En die paralimpics ofzo. 100 meter dash for people with a weak blater. En die dat ze elkaar met die vissen staan te slaan.
quote:Mijn vorige user-icon
Op dinsdag 15 juli 2003 13:12 schreef Maud_Dib het volgende:
.
deze is in mijn mening t leukst
Counsel (Cleese): I'm sorry I'm late m'lud I couldn't find a kosher car park. Er... don't bother to recap m'lud, I'll pick it up as we go along. Call Mrs Fiona Lewis.
A pepperpot walks into the court and gets up into the witness box.
Clerk of the Court: Call Mrs Fiona Lewis.
Fiona Lewis (Chapman): I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so anyway, I said to her, I said, they can't afford that on what he earns, I mean for a start the feathers get up your nose, I ask you, four and six a pound, and him with a wooden leg, I don't know how she puts up with it after all the trouble she's had with her you-know-what...
Anyway it was a white wedding much to everyone's surprise, of course they bought everything on the hire purchase, I think they ought to send them back where they came from, I mean you've got to be cruel to be kind so Mrs Harris said, so she said, she said, she said, the dead crab she said, she said.
Well, her sister's gone to Rhodesia what with her womb and all, and her youngest, her youngest as thin as a filing cabinet, and the goldfish, the goldfish they've got whooping cough they keep spitting water all over their Bratbys, well, they do don't they, I mean you can't, can you, I mean they're not even married or anything, they're not even divorced, and he's in the KGB if you ask me, he says he's a tree surgeon but I don't like the sound of his liver, all that squeaking and banging every night till the small hours...
..his mother's been much better since she had her head off, yes she has, I said, don't you talk to me about bladders, I said...
That's what I call rambling on! .
quote:Moet je ook het vervolg quoten
Op dinsdag 15 juli 2003 19:39 schreef Astronaut_Jones het volgende:"Good evening Ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the refreshment room here at Blatchley. My name is Kenny Luss and i'm your compére for tonight. You know, once in a while it is my pleasure and my privilage to welcome here at the refreshment room some of the true great international artists of our time. And tonight we have one such artist. Ladies and gentlemen, someone whom i've always personally admired, perhaps more deeply, more strongly, more abjectly than any other performer. A man, well more than a man, a God, a great God whose personality is so totally and utterly wonderful. My feeble words of welcome sound wretchedly and pathetically (amateuristic). Someone whose boots i'd gladly lick clean untill holes wore through my tongue. A man who's so totally and utterly wonderful that i'd rather be sealed in a pit of my own filth than dare tread on the same stage with him. Ladies and gentlemen the incomprebly superior human-being Harry Fink!"
.quote:
voice offstage: He can't come!
Kenny Lust: Never mind, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
TRUNK AMPUTATION SCENE
DOCTOR SMITH (John Cleese): Morning, Richards.
RICHARDS (Eric Idle): Morning, doctor.
DOCTOR SMITH: Can I help you?
RICHARDS: Yes doctor, I'd like you to amputate everything but my trunk!
DOCTOR SMITH: Amputating limbs is quite expensive, sir! Are you quite sure you can afford such luxury?
RICHARDS: Well doctor, what would it cost me?
DOCTOR SMITH (grabs calculator): Let's see... 400 quid for each leg... 300 for each arm... and 600 for the head. That would make 2000 pounds, sir!
RICHARDS: Two thousand quid?! For a few limbs?! Have you lost your bloody marbles?
DOCTOR SMITH: Sir, I'm a doctor! Not a butcher!
RICHARDS: Then I think I should go and see hím. Goodbye!
DOCTOR SMITH: No, wait! There IS another option!
RICHARDS: Which is...?
DOCTOR SMITH: You could decide to ONLY have your trunk amputated. That would
cost you a mere one thousand quid! Not a butcher in the world cheaper than that!
RICHARDS: Well, then I'd like to have one trunk amputation please.
DOCTOR SMITH: I have to warn you though. Trunk amputation might be cheaper, but it DOES involve a risk.
RICHARDS: A risk?
DOCTOR SMITH: Yes Richards, there have been numerous reports of people having phantom aches. In fact, I'm having a stomach-ache right now!
[DOCTOR SMITH lifts his shirt and shows the gaping hole in his belly].
[Hospital corridor. A mother-to-be is being wheeled very fast down the corridor on a trolley, which crashes through several sets of doors. A nurse with her slips into a consultant's room, where one doctor is throwing beer mats through the crooked arm of another.]
First Doctor: One thousand and eight!
Nurse: Mrs Moore's contractions are more frequent, doctor.
First Doctor: Good. Take her into the foetus-frightening room.
Nurse: Right.
[They pass through the delivery room.]
First Doctor: Bit bare in here today. isn't it?
Second Doctor: Yeees.
First Doctor: More apparatus please, nurse.
Nurse: Yes doctor.
First Doctor: Yes, the EEG, the BP monitor and the AVV, please.
Second Doctor: And get the machine that goes 'Ping'!
First Doctor: And get the most expensive machines in case the administrator comes.
[Apparatus starts pouring into the room. The mother is lost behind various bits of equipment.]
First Doctor: That's better, that's much better.
Second Doctor: Yeeees. More like it.
First Doctor: Still something missing, though.
[They think hard for a few moments.]
First and Second Doctors: Patient?
Second Doctor: Where's the patient?
First Doctor: Anyone seen the patient?
Second Doctor: Patient!
Nurse: Ah, here she is.
First Doctor: Bring her round.
Second Doctor: Mind the machine!
First Doctor: Come along!
Second Doctor: Jump up there. Hup!
First Doctor: Hello! Now, don't you worry.
Second Doctor: We'll soon have you cured.
First Doctor: Leave it all to us, you'll never know what hit you.
First and Second Doctors: Goodbye, goodbye! Drips up! Injections.
Second Doctor: Can I put the tube in the baby's head?
First Doctor: Only if I can do the epesiotomy.
Second Doctor: Okay.
First Doctor: Now, legs up.
[The patient's legs are put in the stirrups, while the Doctors open the doors opposite.]
First and Second Doctors: Come on. Come on, all of you. That's it, jolly good. Come on. Come on. Spread round there.
[A small horde enters, largely medical but with two Japanese tourists with cameras and video equipment. The first doctor bumps into a man.]
First Doctor: Who are you?
Man: I'm the husband.
First Doctor: I'm sorry. only people involved are allowed in here.
[The husband leaves.]
Mrs Moore: What do I do?
Second Doctor: Yes?
Mrs Moore: What's that for?
[She points to a machine.]
First Doctor: That's the machine that goes 'Ping'!
[It goes 'Ping'.]
First Doctor: You see. It means that your baby is still alive.
Second Doctor: And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital.
First Doctor: Yes, it cost over three quarters of a million pounds.
Second Doctor: Aren't you lucky!
Nurse: The administrator's here, doctor.
First Doctor: Switch everything on!
[They do so. Everything flashes and beeps and thuds. Enter the administrator...]
Administrator: Morning, gentlemen.
First and Second Doctors: Morning Mr Pycroft.
Administrator: Very impressive. What are you doing this morning?
First Doctor: It's a birth.
Administrator: And what sort of thing is that?
Second Doctor: Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.
Administrator: Wonderful what we can do nowadays. Ah! I see you have the machine that goes 'Ping'. This is my favourite. You see we lease this back to the company we sold it to. That way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account. [They all applaud.] Thank you, thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.
[He leaves.]
Nurse: Oh, the vulva's dilating, doctor.
First Doctor: Yes, there's the head. Yes, four centimetres, five, six centimetres...
First and Second Doctors: Lights! Amplify the ping machine. Masks up! Suction! Eyes down for a full house! Here it comes!
[The baby arrives.]
First Doctor: And frighten it!
[They grab the baby, hold it upside down, slap it, poke tubes up its nose, hose it with cold water. Then the baby is placed on a wooden chopping block and the umbilicus severed with a chopper.]
Doctor: And the rough towels!
[It is dried with rough towels.]
Doctor: Show it to the mother.
[It is shown to the mother.]
First and Second Doctors: That's enough! Right. Sedate her, number the child. Measure it, blood type it and... *isolate* it.
Nurse: OK, show's over.
Mrs Moore: Is it a boy or a girl?
First Doctor: Now I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you? Now a world of advice. You may find that you suffer for some time a totally irrational feeling of depression. PND is what we doctors call it. So it's lots of happy pills for you, and you can find out all about the birth when you get home. It's available on Betamax, VHS and Super 8.
[Dit bericht is gewijzigd door metalheadBOC op 16-07-2003 13:36]
quote:Hoe kom je daar dan aan?
Op woensdag 16 juli 2003 01:34 schreef Bazyx het volgende:
Mijn favoriet is toch de (nooit uitgezonden of uitgebrachte, doch briljante):TRUNK AMPUTATION SCENE
.
quote:"Just the one minty, sir?"
Op dinsdag 15 juli 2003 11:49 schreef heijx het volgende:[..]
Bugger off! I'm stuffed!
FA Jump: webicon weggehaald wegens wachtwoord beveiliging
quote:Een vriendin van me woont in het VK en is een groot Monty Python fan. Haar vader is een keer bij een opname van MP's Flying Circus geweest en heeft daar opnames gemaakt met z'n videocamera. Ze heeft 'm voor mij even uitgetypt, maar ik heb 'm bij haar wel een keer gezien. En hij is echt goed!
Op woensdag 16 juli 2003 11:04 schreef DennisMoore het volgende:
Hoe kom je daar dan aan?
.Maar de BBC wilde de sketch niet uitzenden (ging blijkbaar te ver voor die tijd), dus er is niets mee gedaan.
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I work all day
He's a lumberjack and he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch
I go to the lavat'ry
On Wednesdays I go shopping
And have buttered scones for tea
He cuts down trees...
He's a lumberjack...
I cut down trees, I skip and jump
I love to press wild flow'rs
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars
He cuts down trees...
He's a lumberjack...
I cut down trees, I wear high heels
Suspendies and a bra
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa
He cuts down trees...
He's a lumberjack...
centurion>Where is brian of Nazareth?
brian>You stupid bastards
wiseguy>Ehm I'm Brian of Nazareth
Brian> what?
Wiseguy>Yeak, I-I-I'm Brian of Nazareth
Centurion>take him down
Brian>I'm Brian of Nazareth
Crusified man 1>I'm Brian
Bignose>I'm Brian
Crusified man 2> look,look, I'm Brian
Brian>I'm Brian
Brearded man> I'm Brian and so is my wife!
Crusifixion party>I'm Brian!
Centurion>right! take him away and release him!
Wiseguy> No i'm only Joking. I'm not realy Brian!No,I'm not Brian!! I was only... Believe me, it was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! Im not him, Im just having you on! Put me back! Bloody romans.just can't take a joke!
echt geweldig 
dat stuk erna is ook goed 
Crusifixion assistant 1> The judean People's front!
Centurion>The judean People's front!
The judean People's front commander> forward, all!!
Crusifixion assistant 2> look out! The judean People's front!
Crusifixion assistant 3>The judean People's front!
Crusifixion assistant 4>The judean People's front!
The judean People's front commander> We are The judean People's front,crack suicide squad... ATTACK!!
The judean People's front committing suicide> AUGH!! argh!
The judean People's front commander> that showed them,huh?
Brian> you silly sods!!
echt super!
hier kan je btw alle scripts enzo vandaan halen
montypython scripts
quote:
Op donderdag 17 juli 2003 10:27 schreef Hawk het volgende:
[afbeelding][afbeelding]I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I work all day
He's a lumberjack and he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all dayI cut down trees, I eat my lunch
I go to the lavat'ry
On Wednesdays I go shopping
And have buttered scones for tea
He cuts down trees...
He's a lumberjack...I cut down trees, I skip and jump
I love to press wild flow'rs
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars
He cuts down trees...
He's a lumberjack...I cut down trees, I wear high heels
Suspendies and a bra
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa
He cuts down trees...
He's a lumberjack...
"O Biff, I thought you were such a tough guy.."
quote:"Oh Bevis! And I thought you were so rugged!"
Op donderdag 17 juli 2003 10:36 schreef kamagurka het volgende:
"O Biff, I thought you were such a tough guy.."
Of uit Monty Python's Duitstalige (!) 'Fliegender Zirkus':
Ich bin ein Holzfäller und fühl mich stark
Ich schlaf des Nachts und hack am Tag
Ich fälle Bäume, ich ess mein Brot
Ich geh auf das WC
Am Mittwoch geh ich shopping
Kau kekse zum kaffee
Ich fälle Bäume und hupf und spring
Steck Blumen in die Vas
Ich schlupf in Frauenkleider
Und lummel mich in Bars
Ich fälle Bäume, trag Stockelschuh
Und Strumpf und Bustenhalter
Wär gern ein kleines Mädchen
So wie mein Onkel Walter
quote:Ik doe het tenminste zonder zoekmachine
Op donderdag 17 juli 2003 10:51 schreef DennisMoore het volgende:[..]
"Oh Bevis! And I thought you were so rugged!"
Ik zat in de buurt, though...
quote:Dat ene zinnetje wist ik er zonder google ook nog wel uit te persen
Op donderdag 17 juli 2003 10:59 schreef kamagurka het volgende:Ik doe het tenminste zonder zoekmachine
Ik zat in de buurt, though...
.Het Duitse lied natuurlijk niet.
Erg knap trouwens, die Duitstalige aflevering... Alles fonetisch Duits uit hun hoofd geleerd .
|
|
