John Mayer #9: It's not a silly little moment

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Op dinsdag 10 oktober 2006 09:26 schreef Apfel het volgende:
Ik zou het er ook voor over hebben, maar bij mij gaan die dingen altijd zo snel kapot. Dat ik er geen dure investering voor uit wil geven.

En ik dacht zelf meer aan 'raad welk nummer ie moet spelen' borden.

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Op dinsdag 10 oktober 2006 13:00 schreef fjboere het volgende:
Dat plaatje ziet er niet echt vrolijk uit, kan bijna geheel continuum bedoelen

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I'M THINKING ABOUT TANNING PROFESSIONALLY.


Now I know what you're thinking: "John, put the pipe dream down and look around you. Every day, beaches and pools across America are festooned with hopeless dreamers, all of who have squandered any opportunity given to them in their lives, and for what? For some fabled talent scout that never shows? One day, each and every one of them will wake up and realize they never had what it took, that some 16 year old kid who's been slathering himself in Retin-A since he was nine signed a multi-year deal with Coppertone before he even got a high school diploma, and there you are in Venice thinking that the guy in the suit and tie sitting on the lifeguard tower eating a bag lunch is there because he heard from a family friend that you don't have anywhere near what it takes to make it, but you really, really like it."

But you're wrong. I'm good. No - I'm great. I don't want to say I'm the best, because I don't know every single tanner out there, but let me tell you about my qualifications, and see if it doesn't change your mind.

I've been tanning ever since I was a boy. Before I could talk, I could tan. My parents, recognizing my innate abilities, took me to Chut Smutley's tanning classes in Milford, Connecticut. At that time, Chut was the world's best sunsmith, having won Mr. Tansvestite six years in a row. He worked as an advisor to C. Thomas Howell for the filming of "Soul Man". They say he could bronze in the rain, that on a trip to London he taught a man in Trafalgar Square how to get a quick but convincing look of vitality using the glare off a baby food jar.

I studied under one of Chut's Nuts (that's what they called the trainers) for about eight years. Chut's franchise eventually closed after he was stripped of his titles and endorsements when he was found tanning illegally inside of St. Mary's Cathedral-Basilica of the Assumption in Covington, Kentucky, a structure that laid claim to having the world's largest stained-glass window. He bit a bike cop, too. Not good.

After graduating high school, I began to book a smattering of gigs, tanning at the occasional backyard barbecue and time capsule unearthing. I didn't make enough money to support myself, but I was able to build a portfolio; a rawhide-bound binder with photographs depicting strangers in various scenes of joviality, and my small, blurry form in the distance behind them. At that time I offered three styles of tanning: Bolivian, the most popular; Infernus, or "Latin" style, rumored to be a favorite of the singer Jon Secada, and the oft-reproached Mesopotamian, which when performed faithfully, calls for copious amounts of ecstasy pills and a very, very large Shetland pony.

Two years ago my grandfather was diagnosed with Carl Yastrzemski's disease and I was forced to give up sunbathing while I looked after him. It's a terrible illness, CY. Your face slowly becomes all profile - you have no real "front" to speak of. You appear to be looking away from people all the time. Undiagnosed sufferers of CY can often be accused of not paying attention, or loving birds. It's only been in the last several weeks that I've considered getting back into the tanning fray. I'm even thinking about going to try out for the Coppertone Open Invitational in Santa Monica. It's my life's dream to be a part of the pro tanning league.

In fact, I've just booked my ticket to Los Angeles and I'm going to give it all I've got. There are five divisions in the National Tanning Sports Bureau, or NTSB, for short, depending on the skin tone of the competitor. Buttermilk, Peach, Teak, Mahogany, and Onyx. Chances are I won't rank in any of them, but I don't live my life according to chance. I live my life according to the weather. And tomorrow looks like a good day to get out there and let my body shine. Good ol' Chut used to say "you don't soak up the sun, you trade your light for it." He did bite that bike cop, though. In the waist, no less. Who does that?


POSTED BY JOHN MAYER AT 04:46 PM FROM WEST PALM BEACH, FL

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